What If?

It's 10 am, I'm dancing around in my messy bun, oversized t-shirt, underwear, and tall socks in my one bedroom studio apartment near the city. Time to get ready for work as I put on my ripped jeans, blazer, Louboutins, and a Michael Kors bag and watch with my smokey eye makeup and nude lips, when I hear a knock on the door to see my Chuck Bass businessman boyfriend standing there in his work suit with a cup of white chocolate moca for me to start my day, leaving giving me his Daniel Grayson wink. I go to work at the high fashion and beauty company, walk into my all white and dark grey office, and begin my work in PR and/or Event Planning for the company itself. Phones ringing, planners packed, computer keys on fire from typing, and running back and forth to events or deals is how I spend my day. It's time to go back home, or to meet my Chuck Bass/Daniel Grayson boyfriend for a romantic dinner or a quiet night on the town, my night is ended with candles lit and a molten chocolate lava cake, of course. My life is a perfect little movie.

I've always been too much of a dreamer to where I can't even grasp my own reality at times and live solely for what I want and expect my life to be like. I blame most of this on my tv shows I am always going to be committed to, Gossip Girl and Revenge (as you can tell by my boyfriend in the clip above. In some cases having this warped reality helps me to get over things in my actual reality, but sometimes it makes it harder to accept that those things I base my "life" on are not even remotely real. Yet. I am a firm believer on "if you want it, go for it" rather than "timing is everything" or "it will come to you if it is for you". You always hear people say "nothing is impossible", and you want to believe that but for some reason something holds you back. Yourself. You put it in your mind that you have to do something a certain way or that things are too big to go for or even just the fact that you should be "realistic"... that's what I always tell myself. It shouldn't be that way. "What if" has always been a term we have used: "What if" this would happen. "What if" I didn't do that. "What if" that were me. "What if". "What if". "What if". But why don't we turn those "what if's" into "I did". Savannah Chrisley (if you don't watch Chrisley Knows Best, you are highly missing out, they are my all time favorite family after the Kardashians, of course. Such a cute and humble southern family with zero filter, literally want their life too) posted this morning, "It's better to look back on life and say "I can't believe I did that", instead of looking back saying, "I wish I did that".". I completely agree with her post. Because it's true. Why would you want to go through life hoping and wishing you had the life you had dreamed about when you are fully capable of having exactly that. Like I had said before, in the book I was reading, "You are a Badass", Jen Sincero talks about how the only thing holding you back from being completely open and ready for life itself is your subconscious mind. It will tell you that something isn't right or isn't possible or worth it, when in reality, it's just because either something in your past told you it wasn't or you have never been exposed to it so you believe it's not real. This is ridiculous to me. Once I read this book, changed my lifestyle, and started living my own life, I truly believe things are possible for me. Sometimes I get discouraged with myself and drop those dreams like a hot rock, but I always pick them back up. That's when you know you want something. Yes, things may be harder to get by, but nothing will just come to you at ease, especially if it's something you want badly enough. That's the beauty in it. Working for things is definitely a process, but the achievement that you make is ultimately the icing on the cake. You worked for it. You earned it. You deserved it. People will always try to change your mind or bring you down, but if that's their purpose in your life, they shouldn't be apart of your life anyways. I'm telling you right now that you are capable of having what you want and will be beautiful working for it. Be passionate.Okay okay okay, so maybe none of that was true, and maybe I went a little too far with the boyfriend or the Louboutins, but hey, it's my fantasy, right? But "what if" that were to happen. It's my dream, so why don't I go for exactly that?One of my biggest pet peeves includes when people get handed everything. Yes, I have been blessed with many things I never earned, but when it comes to things such as this, a career or lifestyle you dream of, I believe working for it is the satisfaction you should want to earn yourself. Have help alone the way, sure, but is it really that rewarding to just be given the world? Okay, I won't lie, if I had that opportunity, of course I would take it, but build upon that. Make it greater. Never have the "what if", keep succeeding.So, my challenge for you, my readers, is to think this week about what your "what if's" have been, why they are "what if's" and figure out how to make that change into "I did" or "I will". Make a goal... write out every detail of what you want in that goal... make an objective within the next few weeks, few months, or few years... make a plan... set that plan... and start working towards it. Be specific.

.....

I've been lost. No, not physically lost to where I don't know my location, but mentally and emotionally lost to where I don't know where I stand in this moment. This isn't the first time I've been "lost", but I was starting to believe I was finally "found". I had found who I am (or wanted to be), I had surrounded myself with positive people, I found passion and happiness from something other than a person, I was content, I was successfully moving forward... or so I thought. Was this all just fake, a mask? Was I leading myself to think I was better than I was? Or was it just too much at once? Things are fuzzy. Things are dark. Things are cold. Things are just... not there. Nothing specific sparks these changes, but all of a sudden it hits like a cemi, and that's what has overcome me. I truly don't have anything to be upset over or that would truly hurt me, I am sooo thankful for the things I have in life. God has blessed me. Yet I still seem to be blinded at times.I got a stomach bug last weekend that made me feel miserable. I was home with my family when this illness struck, but I began to feel anxiety from being home instead of back at school in case I did start to feel better for classes. Of course, when I got back to school, I felt content again... until the illness struck again... That's when the dark cloud came over me. As I was sitting on the bathroom floor, on the phone with my Mama, tears were flooding from my eyes. I felt alone. I didn't want to be sick by myself without their help, without anyone's help. Even if I wasn't sick, I was just alone... even when i wasn't. This dark cloud hovering over me became a person sitting with me on that bathroom floor. All I could hear was it talking to me... telling me how alone I am, showing me I'm worthless, replaying my mistakes, informing me that I in fact don't have my life together like my warped reality thinks I do- and yes I do have a warped reality, reminding me that I'm not who I think I am, comparing me to so many others, and pressuring me to self harm. Why was I allowing this evil to come over me? Screaming and crying to God to be with me, protect me, heal me, and mask this voice, I was still distracted. He sent people in form of Him; my best friend texting me from home and my roommate knocking on the door until I answered then holding me she came in, but I couldn't let them in all the way. I couldn't be negative to anyone else to vent or seek help. I tried to laugh, listen to music, do anything to clear this hate, but something wouldn't let me. Finally, I went outside to sit on the porch getting some fresh air, thoughts still rolling in my mind, at some point I fell asleep.The next day, I told myself to shape up. Why am I being this. I'm ridiculous. This is exactly who I was getting away from during my change. I dressed up, put my heels on, took time on my makeup, and was set for the day. Did this help? Eh, more like made it worse... I was faking it, I was putting pressure on myself to not show or feel pain... I ultimately became numb instantly. The shadow followed me wherever I went. I must have faked it quite well, considering almost everyone around me couldn't see my hurt and complained that I wasn't giving them the attention and conversations that I should be giving. I did have the two or three that saw through my front and continued to bring me strength, but I couldn't stand back up... can't stand back up. I have always been one to cater to everyone else's needs before my own, but of course, my "queen" side took over for a while saying I wouldn't be walked all over and my happiness would be priority... unfortunately that never set in all the way. Am I being selfish for wanting to heal myself on my own and own time? Am I being selfish for wanting to detach for a little while? Am I selfish for wanting to be my own priority?Music has always been my healer, I put myself in the artist's position but also connect it to my own life. The song of the week that seems to help me in this situation is from the *love of my life, Justin Bieber's I'll Show You. As I was sitting on that cold bathroom floor, the words were flowing through my veins. I know I'm not perfect, and no one expects me to be, other than myself... I compare and strive to be better... but the stress knocks me back down. I'm a careless perfectionist. I make myself straighten up so no one knows that I'm hurting or out of the norm, but hiding hurts more than facing the pain when it comes at you... don't ignore it, conquer it.I'm not writing this to vent at you, like I said, I hate people knowing I'm out of the norm or being negative... I'm explaining why I haven't been active. I do wish any of you who suffer from this, or anything near it, realize that it is okay to relapse if you need to. You won't know how long it will last, or what the conditions may be, but this won't make you weak. I am still learning this and trying to understand it. I am always here if someone, anyone, needs me, I may not know exactly how to fix things for other people, but I do know how to be your company. Please don't hesitate. We are in this together.

Roomie Appreciation!

BACKGROUND INFO: This is currently my junior year of college. I started out my first year and half at a community college, then I finally *upgraded to one of my dream schools. Being my first semester away from home, I got put with a random roommate... I didn't know a soul at this school, but that's what I wanted. My roommate ended up moving back home, so I got the room to myself for the first two months, goals, but then housing made everyone get a roommate or pay extra for a private room... sike. So I got a new random down the hall. My emotions were everywhere, I couldn't go back, but I was really excited. It's like a guaranteed friend, right? God was definitely on my side when it came to this, He blessed me with my first roommate, and she wasn't a psycho. She was a senior, so it was kind of like a "big sister" type deal. She showed me the ropes. She was there to take care of me. We might not have been "close" but I loved living with her. But since she was a senior, it was back to the random drawing... I couldn't do that. To all of my college readers, you know about Yik-Yak, right? The anonymous college based app that connects to the closest college near you. My school revolves around Yik-Yak. Why am I bringing this up? Because that is where I met my current roommate... sketchy? yes. funny? yes. successful? yes! Now, let's talk about roommates. A roommate, in a dorm like mine, is someone you share a tiny room with. Is that all? No. You share your whole life with! You are with this person almost 24'7, you have to make the best of it... in my situation, my roommate is my best friend. We are inseparable. We started like that too, from texting and calling all summer to the first day we moved in, we continue to get closer and closer by the day! We are probably the same person. We wake up, go to class, come back in between classes to hang, go to more classes, come back at the end of the day, hang out, go eat together, shower at the same time (while hitting on the wall to each other in code to still talk, guilty), then go to bed at the same time. But when you are roommates with someone, that is your family. Aubry is definitely my family. And I am hers. We know anything about everything in each others lives. When you are roommates with someone, you become their guardian. Aubry is definitely my guardian. And I am hers. We've got the facial expressions down pat when a f-boi comes in hot, we've got the phone call down to bail us out of awkward situations, we've even got the code for any type of situation needed. A roommate is a friend for life, and Aubry is that. I am forever grateful for her. You're supposed to meet your "brides maid" in college, right? WELL HERE I AM AUBS!!!! (and Alex) *as Aubry literally just said "we hate everyone but each other, right Macy?!".....true* When you live with someone, you are accustom to their habits, quirks, fears, ambitions, and beliefs. Though you two are completely different people- whether you know it or not, whether you mean to or not, you become each other in some form. You can say you do this with other best friends, but when you are living someone, it's completely different. When you are broken, they are the first ones to pick up the pieces. When something great happens, they are the first ones you tell. It's a soulmate... maybe more of a soulmate than your significant other... actually, I know its more of one. I have gone through so much lately, on and off, and I know Aubry has as well, but I honestly don't know where I would be without her being here when I come home. I can always count on her getting a girls night ready, even though a roommate is like having a girls night every night. I can count on her to be ready to cuddle at any point of the day, and when I cuddle, I mean cuddle. I can count on her to remind me to take my medicine when she can tell I didnt take it. I can always count on her to tell me she loves me before we go to sleep or leave for the day! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, CUPCAKE!!!

Slay, Queen!!

I strongly believe in calling myself a "Queen" and believe every strong lady out there should, as well. I strongly believe in "slaying", and again, believe everyone out there should as well. I started doing this over the summer, I had the worst heartbreak I will probably (and hopefully) ever go through... but it didn't destroy me like I thought it would, why? Because I turned into a queen. I had a whole new mindset, I became a whole new person, my life changed instantly, because I wanted it to. I lost who I thought was my soulmate, I lost who I thought was my best friend, and I lost who I used to be. Losing these three people, and being called the "brat" and "b*tch" that I was, taught me that I truly did need this change. I would win and I wouldn't stop winning. I would slay and I wouldn't care who stayed or left, I would follow who I truly was and what I needed. That is when I finally found myself. Most of you know, and if you don't, let me inform you really quickly that I suffer from depression and anxiety, I have had suicide thoughts, I have skipped classes consecutively for days and days, I have shut everyone out. My hands shake from past panic attacks. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me dealing with it, it will hit at any time, and though I still struggle with it, it has been nowhere near where it had been living ever since I have committed to this new lifestyle and became who I am right now. You may have never thought that because I try to hide it so much, or you might see through my "I'm fine" lies, but it's time to own who I am to you all.Now, let me define what being a "queen" really is. A queen, to me, is a woman who is strong in everything she does. (and guys, be kings). She doesn't let anyone or anything get to her, she knows her worth and will not take anything less than she deserves. She has ambition and won't stop until she gets what she wants. She has no filter and will speak her mind, risky or safe. No, she is not heartless, but she knows how to control her feelings (or the feelings that she has) and only lets her walls down for ones who deserve it, who deserve her presence. Be happy and positive, because you deserve to.Slaying, basically the same thing. Owning exactly who you are and being confident in everything you do, say, or feel. If you want to wake up with a messy bun (and not the cute messy bun you tried 37 times to get, I mean the greasy left over pony tail you had in the night before, got up and left messy bun) and start your day, slay that laziness.. if you want to wake up, spend almost two hours doing your hair and makeup and wearing heels to class (make fun of me all you want, I'll never stop wearing heels to class), then slay that divaness. Whatever you want to do or be, be confident in that. Don't you dare let anyone or anything alter that or try to make you feel bad for it.People will come in and out of your life, whether you allow that door to be dead bolted shut or not is ultimately up to you. How someone treats you is how they seem themselves, remember that. If they are able to walk out from your life without worry, girl, let themmmmm! Sure, they may regret it later, come crawling to you for forgiveness, but wait, won't they just do it again? Yeah, I learned that the hard way, by too many people. But turning into the queen I am today, my door is only opened for the vip. Be strong enough to learn how to leave these peasants on the other side.I adore reading. Right now I am in the middle of a fabulous book called, "You are A Badass", the author, Jen, goes into detail on how we cannot let others tell us who we are, we tell them. (cough cough, being queen). But first you have to tell yourself. Ask yourself: who do I look up to, why do I look up to them? would I really be happy living in their shoes? if so, how do I get there? where do I want to be, why? how do I get there? if I could have absolutely any one thing in the world without question, what would I have? let me go get it. I am a firm, firm, FIRM believer on "if you want it- go get it", yeah sure, "timing is everything" but why would you wait to see if time allows it? Go for it now, keep it longer, right?! Jen, in this book, talks about your subconscious and how much control it thinks it has, but it doesn't. Our subconscious mind is just a reflection of what we were taught when we were younger, they are so-called beliefs we tend to cling to, but in all honesty, are myths. You have power to change your perspective of your reality, you have the power to believe anything you want. Nothing is impossible, yet the minute you do doubt yourself and your goals, then it is impossible. How she explained it was perfect: we have all had that dream we are flying, but then we realize, wait, I can't fly, then we crash down... but if we instead said, heck yes, I'm flying, we would continue on that high. Think so highly of yourself and it will be hard to disappoint yourself. You always slay, boo! Remember that!I can't stand negative people stuck in something they want to be stuck in... your girlfriend or boyfriend broke up with you and they found someone new or are messing around with the guy/girl you were suspicious of? Yeah, it hurts, trust me, but you sitting there dwelling about it isn't going to make them come back? If it is going to bring them back, ha, lie again. If this happens, please don't go for the first human you see as a replacement... finding someone true is a process and a hard journey, but finding happiness in general isn't. I found happiness in soooo many other healthier and more successful options, now, guys and relationships are the last thing on my mind, honestly, I'm not even sure it's on the list in my mind. I think too highly to lower my standards for friends, let alone a guy. I am definitely not saying you won't miss them, or want them back, you will, it will take time to move on, if ever, it will change you completely, but never look at yourself like it was your fault they left... lift your head, babe, don't let someone make your crown fall off your head. A friend of mine asked me tonight, "why is it you're not interested in dating? is it because of your ex?", and honestly, no, it's not because of him, yeah it might have started out that way, but if he is happy doing what he is doing, great, I loved him for a reason, but I'm not going to down myself just because we aren't a match. The reason I'm not out "looking" for a mate is because I have come to the reality of who I am and what I want and where I am going, I'm not stopping until I get that. That is why I am a queen. I'm not going around kissing frogs to find that Prince Charming, when God sees that I am settled where I want to be, and has someone prepared, I will, but as of right now, I adore being just me! (plus it's a lot easier being the diva I am).I'm challenging all of my readers, female and male, be a queen/king for a week. Change your whole attitude. Wake up tomorrow, blast your favorite song, start the day with the mindset that you are a b.a.b. and no one is standing in your way today! SMILE. LAUGH. If there is something you've always wanted to do, do it this week without question, you deserve the world. Put aside the thoughts that have been eating you alive, take one thing at a time or realize it's not even worth worrying about because you are priority. I promise after even one day of having this new alter-ego, it will become who you are and your life will change so positively because being confident is the key to success. Let your queen-self out and slay these peasants.