Fear.

Fear.

                What is the first thing you think of when you hear that word? Really think. Not just “oh, spiders and snakes” “bad weather” “car wrecks” … no, what is your actual fear in life? My fear is myself. It always has been, but the reasons continue to change.

                I have been wanting to write this post for a few weeks but I couldn’t get my thoughts together enough to even try to begin. And honestly, my thoughts are still probably a little scattered because this is a topic I have a lot of heart for and want to make sense. Hopefully it turns out that way.

                My favorite author (at the moment, at least) is Jen Sincero. She is a “life and success coach”, basically just a motivational author/speaker. A lot of the things that I have learned (and will be on my soap-box about today) have come from her teachings… truly, her words have helped me so much in life, this being one so like I said, this is a very touching subject to me. She explains how most people live in an illusion of what their life should* be instead of what they want it to be based on someone else’s beliefs, or “beliefs” that were drilled into your head growing up. Our subconscious mind locks that information in and runs our life based solely off that, yet we don’t think anything about it because it is what we have grown to know. In order to get your life on the track that YOU want it to be, you have to start with yourself. Jen explains how in the “self-help” world your “ego” is used to refer to your false-self, or the self that is holding you back from the things you want in life. All in all, you* are your own fear whether you see it or not.

                “Our thoughts become our words, our words become our beliefs, our beliefs become our actions, out actions become our realities”

                The life you dream about isn’t as far as it seems, it’s just an excuse to stay in your comfort zone. Trust me, this is something I still won’t move from or grasp, but it truly makes sense. We, and I do say WE because I know I’m not the only one that does this, focus on things we believe are true about ourselves: I can’t do this, I’m bad at that, I won’t be able to do this, I know* that’s not possible. If all of these are “true” or you “know” defines you, cool, enjoy the life you created in a bubble instead of celebrating how amazing you are, that you can do anything- achieve anything, and actually live the dreams you’ve fantasied about. That is the fear I fear the most about myself; I have drilled into my head that I won’t be able to do certain things because I’m not good enough or there are others who will do it better or just that it's not realistic so I’m just going to settle or be stuck doing the same things the rest of my life. That is not the case whatsoever, but there will always be that self-doubt in everyone’s head of their own hate*. I’ve always been the type that is too hard on myself, I expect too much from myself, or believe* that everything about me isn’t worth it… some have come from myself, some have come from my past, but overall that is how I have always seen myself. I am an OCD perfectionist with every detail of my life, but I am learning to love myself more than I love anything. We all stay believing these things we have gotten used to telling ourselves or hearing* when it’s just our fear of change or success in ourselves. Get your ego (false-self) out of the way and be the person YOU want to be and do the things that YOU want to do… what you do or say is your responsibility, not how others take it. If you want to create a new self, do it, if people judge/leave, screw ‘em… true colors always show but true people always stay. I know it’s hard to solely think of yourself sometimes, but trust me, it’s worth it… mainly everyone looks out for themselves anyways, so do what you have to do for you instead of pleasing others just because they are there for the moment. Life goes on. Yes, a lot of people will want to look out for you and want what’s best for you in THEIR eyes, but this is YOUR life… it’s time to make your own choices: win or lose.

                “Going into the world and trying, yet still deep-down believing that you are ruled by your past is like forgiving someone but still hoping they sit in something wet.”

                Procrastinating is something we all do, even when we try our best to stay focused, we are still somehow procrastinating something. And even if you don’t realize it, procrastination can be a fear inside yourself… we put off the things that we want to achieve in life, again, because we make excuses or tell ourselves it’s not something we can reach. Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “goodness, Macy Jo, shut upppp, my life is just the way I want it and I’m not scared of anything especially myself”… okay, that’s completely fine, congratulations… but I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this type of self-fear. I      am      a      DREA    -    MER, always have been, there are things I want to do so badly in life or be so badly in life but I always put it off because I’m scared of failure or outside reactions. Why? I don’t know. I used to be so care-free and go-getting, but randomly from around Christmas break to now that has somewhat flipped. Like I mentioned in my last post, I am helping myself back up to stand on both feet and learning to love myself again and be that care-free, strong, independent and go-getting self but sometimes it isn’t always as easy to keep up as it seems. It’s just like working-out… you have to keep up with the routine and adding weights/miles each time you go until you reach your goal (then of course continue to strive for a new goal and start work again). When it comes to fear in yourself, Jen suggests to write down all of your self-hating-self-stories as she calls them, that you truly believe about yourself and become aware of them, then reverse them and become aware of the new stories. Her example, not mine (lol): “I can’t meet a man because there aren’t any good ones left” becomes “The world is filled with awesome, loving men, and I am fully capable of and so excited to find me a good one”. Trust me, that is not one of my self-stories, you all know my thoughts on that. For my example I would say: “I can’t do this certain thing because it is too far-fetched and I’m not as good for it as someone else could be” turns into “I am so excited to prove to myself and others that I can achieve this because I will be amazing at it”. Though I still don't believe it at this moment, the more I drill that into my subconscious mind, the more true it will become in my world and things will begin to change. I had a professor my freshman year, the one that made me change my major and that I looked up to for such a long time (and still do), told us that her house is full of positive sticky notes to remind herself that she is worth it and remind her of the goals she has set out to keep believing that she can do them instead of putting them off. They would be on the fridge, on a mirror, on a doorknob, on a random stair step, even on the dog's bag of food (which I thought was hilarious) anywhere that she would touch or pass daily in order to continue reading the same words, drilling them into her mind. Once she has accomplished one of the goal sticky notes, she removes it and puts them in a jar to show that she is capable. I always thought that was so amazing and wish I could do it, I just never tried... maybe I should.

                So, whether you feel the fear in yourself or are now starting to see it in your own versions, I first want to tell you that you are an amazing and beautifully made person who can do anything you want and be whoever you want with ease. Set your mind on the positives in your life and block out the negative vibes around you along with the fear inside you. But I also want to challenge you to make that list of self-stories that you believe are true: why are they true to you, what can change them, how can you change them. This will take time but it really puts things into perspective. Next, make another list of things you want to be your “self-love-self-stories”. Be creative, be open, it can be absolutely anything that you’ve wanted or might want: what are they, how can you reach them, why haven’t you reached them or what’s holding you back. Don’t fear yourself or change or success or opinions/rejections… be confident in who you are and love yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT and YOU CAN CONQUER ANY FEAR AND ANYTHING!!! I believe in you, just like I am starting to believe in myself, just like you should believe in yourself.

Matthew McConaughey & his hero. Me & my hero. You & your hero.

                It’s 1:20 am, I have been awake since 7:15 am from working to packing up my entire dorm and moving back home… then unpacking what was my entire dorm back into my room. Let’s just say I am absolutely exhausted, but as I was laying here trying to get some rest; my mind wouldn’t seem to shut off… as it does every night for most everyone… but this was something I had to get out before I forgot my exact thought process or just became unmotivated in the morning to do so (plus I just finished three episodes of Sex & The City so obviously my inner Carrie Bradshaw was is in the writing mood).

                This post has to do with change.

                Change; verb

`.)      make or become different

2.)      to take or use instead of

By the definition and what we obviously already know, change makes something new or somewhat new in certain situations. I have always heard people say how they “don’t like change” or they “can’t accept change” … most everything that comes with the word always seems to be in negative terms, but I see it more as a positive than a negative. Why? Because I look deeper than what is becoming different at the time. It's simply a transition.

Whether you believe in God or not, you have probably grown up hearing, “God always has a reason for the things He does”, and I know it is hard to believe at the time because you are thinking, ‘uh, why would He want this for me… I don’t want this for me, this doesn’t make sense”, but that’s exactly why things happen the way they do. Just because you want something a certain way doesn’t always mean it will happen that way. God sees the bigger picture; what you need now and in the future. Sure, it may cause a temporary feeling at the time but soon it will be worth it. Whatever He may do in your life may not be drastic or it could feel as if your world is crashing, but in the end it will have a better outcome. That has always taken me a long time to understand and still will not fully understand but I do know that is the truth. I’ve seen it happen in many ways. But I have always been a lover of change; I’ve always wanted change. There are several different types of change that can occur, things such as: within your surroundings, within who you associate with, within your life or plans, within your yourself, within your goals or dreams, within… almost anything.

Change within yourself.

This is a very important topic for me. I am a firm believer in self-change. Honestly, it combines every type of change all in one, it is all about YOU. Go ahead, lie all you want and say that you have never changed- you’ve been the same person as you always have been and you always will be blah blah blah… okay but let’s be real, that’s ridiculous. We have alllllll been through phases in our lives, some more drastic than others but it is still a change in who you believe you are or want to be. Me being one with a major collection of phases… my “skater” stage that turned into full blown “emo” to “let’s try prep” to not caring whatsoever to, now... I’m honestly not even sure what I am now, I’m still changing. 

 Matthew McConaughey (love of my life: top 5) gave a speech when winning “Best Actor” at the 2014 Oscars that has made a huge and lasting impact on my outlook on life, my life. Usually when hearing or reading a speech like this, you don’t fully take it in if they even say anything other than a shoutout to whoever helped put the film or song together, but I strongly recommend reading every word of this speech:

There’s a few things, about three things to my count, that I need each day. One of them is something to look up to, another is something to look forward to, and another is someone to chase.
 

Now, first off, I want to thank God, because that’s who I look up to. He’s graced my life with opportunities that I know are not of my hand or any other human hand. He has shown me that it’s a scientific fact that gratitude reciprocates. In the words of the late Charlie Laughton, who said,“When you got God, you got a friend. And that friend is you.”
 
To my family, that’s who and what I look forward to. To my father, I know he’s up there right now with a big pot of gumbo. He’s got a lemon meringue pie over there. He’s probably in his underwear, and he’s got a cold can of Miller Lite and he’s dancing right now. To you dad, you taught me what it means to be a man. To my mother who’s here tonight, who taught me and my two older brothers — demanded that we respect ourselves. And what we in turn learned was then we were better able to respect others. Thank you for that, Mama. To my wife Camila and my kids Levi, Vida, Mr. Stone, the courage and significance you give me every day I go out the door is unparalleled. You are the four people in my life that I want to make the most proud of me. Thank you.
 
And to my hero, that’s who I chase. Now, when I was 15 years old, I had a very important person in my life come to me and say, “Who’s your hero?” And I said, “I don’t know, I’ve got to think about that. Give me a couple of weeks.” I come back two weeks later, this person comes up and says, “Who’s your hero?” I said, “I thought about it. It’s me in 10 years.” So I turned 25. Ten years later, that same person comes to me and says, “So, are you a hero?” And I was like, “Not even close! No, no no!” She said, “Why?” I said, “Because my hero’s me at 35.” So you see every day, every week, every month, and every year of my life, my hero’s always ten years away. I’m never going to be my hero. I’m not going to attain that. I know I’m not. And that’s just fine with me, because that keeps me with somebody to keep on chasing. So, to any of us, whatever those things are, whatever it is we look up to, whatever it is we look forward to, and whoever it is we’re chasing. To that I say: Amen. To that I say, All right, all right, all right. To that I say, just keep living, eh? Thank you.

                Okay, now read that again slowly and out loud (if you didn't the first time). Truly read it. Truly understand it. Of course, I was getting emotional as I was writing and listening to this… but when am I not emotional, right? Lol.

                Obviously I was and want others to be inspired by the love of God or the solid support from family to lean on, but the part that really hit me was becoming your own hero. How could I, Macy Jo, be my own hero? I don’t even see myself as someone else’s hero so why in the world would I want to be my own? But that is exactly what clicked with me: if I am not happy with who I am at this very moment to where I wouldn’t have even looked up to myself when I was younger or expect someone else to right now, when will I be proud of that? I am definitely not the same person I was this time last year, last year at this time I wasn’t the same person as I was the year before, the list continues, but the changes is what matters. You should never care what other people think of you or your decisions, they are for you, not for them. If people call you out for being “different” or say they don’t like who you have “become”, hand them a cookie and be on your way. True people in your life will support you whether they agree/understand it or not, if they can’t, you don’t need to let them rain on your new* parade or drag you down from the progress you are trying to make. People will always judge you when you do something that it out of their own comfort zone… give them something to judge and stand for yourself instead of pleasing others or continuing the same motions to “play it safe”. My family always brings up my “emo” days as blackmail or just to make fun, but when we do talk about it my sister will ask why my parents let me do that or buy me the things to go with the “look” and every time they say that it was what I wanted... even though it was random and I looked so stupid, they still supported me. Now, many moons later, I am not completely different but at the same time I am completely different. Yes, I am still me, but I am finding new things out about myself and I am shedding off things that haven’t been beneficial to me. I hate when people say, “where do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years?” … uh, how am I supposed to know? I don’t even know what I’m doing right now in my life. But hearing this speech made me really think: wait, what do I want to achieve in the next 10 years? Who do I want to achieve in 10 years? Heck, what and who do I want to achieve within the next week? Month? I am a big dreamer, probably too much for my own good but it keeps me going, motivated, determined and excited. Turning into my own hero won’t be a challenge for me due to this reason- it’s just taking the step to start, to step away from what people might think or say, to step into a new mindset and routine, to step into my new* life. Change is going to be constant, how you choose to change is ultimately your choice. It will take time, but as cheesy as this may sound, like Miley Cyrus sang, “life is a climb, but the view is great.” What will your view look like? Who will you, as your hero, be in the near and far future? Chase them and no one else. Be you but also be who you want to look up to.

               

                (Lol, it’s 3:10 am. How am I still functioning? If none of this makes sense, blame my brain for not letting me sleep... so, goodnight and HAPPY SUMMER… If I haven’t said it enough, I AM OFFICIALLY A SENIOR IN COLLEGEEEEEE!)

Updated Roomie Appreciation

              

  I know I have already written a roommate appreciation post in my original blog, I think it was posted back in September or October… and though nothing has changed, a lot has changed.

                So even though Aubry didn’t tell me to write this one, this one is for you snickerdoodle :)

                As you all have probably read, Aubry and I have kind of been newly found best friends, but it’s not like we had to grow into our friendship. For those who haven’t known our cute little love story I guess you could say, a brief overview: both of our roommates last year were graduating so we were going to be placed with “randoms”… our “randoms” were not compatible for either one of us. I posted on YikYak (a college campus wide anon app based on the closest college near you, obviously MSU is the only college anywhere near here) that I needed a roommate. Yes, many people responded but none worked out or continued the conversation, then one seemed to be okay… looked each other up on Facebook, obviously you have to stalk, right? We had one mutual friend on FB, which to me was a sign, lol why- idk- but it did. We started messaging back and forth and instantly became close. We both had boyfriends at the time that both said we were more obsessed with each other than we were of them… true. We had never met until the day she moved in. You would think it would be awkward to live with someone you didn’t even know… or to meet someone you have been sharing everything with for the past four months for the first time, but it wasn’t. Aw, and we have been bff ever since, how cute, I know.  

                Growing up I haven’t had the best luck with “friends” (if you would even call them that). I remember the first time being treated badly by a “friend” was in first grade… that is sad, especially since I remember it so vividly… at 6 years old… but ever since then I’ve literally had one friend that has stayed with me through everything. Which is fine; you don’t have to surround yourself with friends, but you don’t need to surround yourself with people as “friends” just because it is expected or because you need things to do. Then Aubry came along. I can honestly say I have never met someone who is the exact same person as I am, I’m pretty sure we were twins separated at birth. You know how most twins are complete opposites but also identical in personality? That is Aubry and me, but it just works! I have made so many new friends, actual friends, best friends even, since I started my life here in Morehead and I cannot be more thankful for those people, but Aubry is… different. I truly believe that soulmates don’t always come in the form of a significant other, so with that I believe Aubry is mine.

                Being roommates with your best friend can sometimes be complicated. You may want your time to yourself, but it may be taken as something is wrong between you two. You may get annoyed with things the other one does, but that doesn’t mean things are tense. You can come back to the room after a long day and both not speak the rest of the night, but you know it’s just a normal thing. Or sometimes you can share the best memories solely in the room (we may have too many memories from just being in here, but none that I wouldn’t do again). To us, it isn’t a forced friendship just because our beds are connected, it is an endless slumber party. I not only have learned so much about her, but I’ve learned so much about myself just from being with her or from the advice she gives. We aren’t afraid to be blunt with each other instead of sugar coating things with a chance of something bad happening to the other; that’s what best friends are for, right? I care for her more than I care for myself and that is something not many people can say about someone else. Even if my world is absolutely crashing, if she has the slightest thing wrong, I will instantly forget about what was even bothering me to run to her. I know I can share anything and everything with whether it be clothes, food, stories, concerns, battles… heck, even guys. Even if I try to keep things in from her to save face or to keep my strong image, she sees right through me but will give me time to come to her when I need her. And the same for me with her.

                Many people don’t understand our relationship, or can’t understand it, but I think that is what is so special between us. I’ve been told I’ve changed this year, which I have because I meant to, but it’s also because I have found someone who has brought out a side of me that I could never let out with anyone else. She has been told she has changed, which she probably has, but we have grown and grown together. No matter what you do or how you do it, people are going to have something negative to say, so I am thankful to have someone who will always support me and never leave me on the ground when I am down. And I hope she feels the same.

                This has been absolutely a crazy school year for me, a good crazy. I’m so glad I got to spend every moment of it with Aubry. But the problem is that school is out in two days, then there isa three month period where we are apart until school starts back. The bigger problem is that we won’t be roommates anymore with next year being my senior year. Not because we didn’t want to be, we tried everything to be, but things weren’t working how we were planning. I will still be living on campus with one of my good friends and she will be living off campus with one of her good friends. As upset as I am about not being able to spend 24’7 with her next year, nothing in our friendship will change. That is a promise. I know we will still continue to have our slumber parties, but in the typical way, but we will also spend as much time together as we can. Though I am scared to not live with her, I know our friendship will never fail, heck it may even grow stronger if that is even possible.

                I cannot thank you enough, Aubry, for being the other half of me. And though you are across from me laying in bed and I could tell you all this in person, I feel the world needs to know it as well. I know I may not always be the best friend I should be and I can’t apologize enough for that, but I want you to know how special you are to me. I can never lose you, I won't. I also know that we can be such a hassle to each other and to everyone else, but there is no one else I would rather be rowdy with or spend my nights eating pizza while bundling up watching Netflix movies almost every night! You are such a strong, beautiful, motivated and genuine person, I don’t want you to ever forget that or doubt that. I know there are things that you struggle with that I can’t help but I will always try the best I can to do as much as I can to fix it. I love you so so much. *HOHHHHHHH YAAAAAA!!*

p.s. good luck on your 8 a.m. final in the morning..........

Dear past Macy Jo,

**this is an old More Issues Than Vogue post that I had forgotten to copy to this page, but this is one of my favorite pieces...**

Dear younger self,

Stop. You're okay. Honestly, everything is not as dramatic as you think. These friendships will end, these boys won't be worth your time, do the things you want to do but stay on this path that you're on... you end up great! But here's a reminder if you get stuck along the way:

I know you think you have to have everything right on track all the time so soon, but trust me, you still don't fully and you don't need to be at either point. You're going to have these bad grades in biology or geometry, and I know you're studying and staying after... I'm so proud of you, sometimes things just don't click... and that's fine. Don't be so hard on yourself... these just aren't your subjects. You get a bomb score on your ACT, and that's ultimately all that matters. Either way, you win. When it comes to senior year, you don't have to know that you want to be a nurse just because of CNA, you won't be a nurse, but enjoy that class... it'll change your life and so will the people in it, be thankful and cherish that semester more than anything. Girlfriend, I know you think this "emo" stage early on is cute, it's not, but if you're going to do it, own that, heck, go all out, if people judge a bubble emo cheerleader, let them. (*as I currently listen to my throwback "pop to punk" playlist). I know you feel like you have to be dark because you feel like the world is crashing because of silly things and that you don't have anyone by your side (because let's face it, they were petty things), continue writing in your journal... I wish you wouldn't have ripped it up, it was a healer. You'll never really leave this dark stage, it'll just get classier! *hair flips*. You'll learn one day, these minor details were just the depression clouds growing into something more down the road, and even then, just breathe, you're not alone... truly. Your so-called "friends" are NOT your friends, do notttttt waste time worrying about making them happy instead of yourself, trust me, they wouldn't do the same for you. They are not worth your tears. Sure, give them a second change, but not a third, fourth, or fifth... they are not deserving. I know you do this because you have such a big heart and also feel like they will be your only friends, no. When it comes to your first date freshman year, you'll enjoy it. When it comes to your first kiss sophomore year, don't worry, you did fine, nothing to be scared of... it was a great date, but don't get hung up on this guy, when you break up after a month, move on, he wasn't thatttttt into you- oops. I know you think you're in love when junior year and senior year comes around... enjoy this as much as you can because it won't last and don't expect it to... you'll learn that things change, people change, and you will fall in love again with someone else (lol, don't worry though, it hasn't happened yet or for a long time, thank goodness), but be thankful he was the first love you had... but when you break up, pick yourself up, be strong, things just change and you can't help that. It wasn't your fault he left, you did everything you could have. I wish you wouldn't have quit cheerleading because of that. I wish you wouldn't have dropped your friends because of that. I wish you wouldn't have been inactive in your senior year because of that. Heck, you'll fail classes your freshman year of college because of that, but also because you just don't understand the subjects, again, that's more than fine... get the credit and move on. C's and D's get degrees, right? Stupid GenEds... You'll change your major anyways, trust me, this was the best decision you can make... thank Professor Harney as much as you can for that! Transferring sophomore year wasn't scary, right? I'm so proud of you for doing this... THIS was the best decision you could make, I promise you'll fall in love with this school more and more by the day. MSU EagleNation! You were meant to be here. I'm proud that you made friends, I'm proud that you went to the gym, I'm proud of you for stepping out there, I'm proud that you studied- even if your depression kicked in more of the time and you skipped classes often, you still made those good grades! I know it's hard having a boyfriend who goes to a different school, but you've got your girlfriends, they will take care of you. But be prepared, this relationship won't last either come the end of the semester. But coming into junior year this year, you're whole life will change... and when I say change, I mean it... you're a different person and for that, I cannot be more proud and happy of/for you. You're entire personality is going to change, and I know you couldn't care less, own it... no one can stop you. You're a boss, girlfriend. You'll lose a few friends but now you've got the best of friends you've ever had by your side, you've got a bomb roommate, you've met so many new people and are so much more active with those friends than you would have been, you're getting out there, you're not letting people walk all over you, you're so strong with emotions- and maybe too strong, you found your passion and you're making a life you're excited for and actually want/need! I'm not saying you're not going to have a bad day or 70, but be thankful you have realized how to help yourself during it and not depend on anyone else for anything, especially that. It's okay to go out and have fun- you're safe and know your boundaries, it's okay to go on a date then never talk to him again, it's okay to kiss different people- that DOES NOT make you a slut, it's okay to skip your first class so you can cuddle with your roommate after a bad night before, and it's even okay to have a random turnt Monday night in the room. Girl, get back in that gym, go see a tutor for finance, and make this next year and half YOURS!!! Out of everything, I'm glad everything has happened the way it did to lead you to this point, I just wish you weren't so hard on yourself during it... trust me, life couldn't be better right now... listen to my words on how proud I am of you and that you are not alone, I'm here, things get so much better. BE POSITIVE!

6 years ago to today sure had a lot to offer, and I can't wait to see where we are 6 years from today.

I love you so much, Mace.

Xoxo.

Connections.

Connections can come in many forms. For most, a connection means a relationship with a person. And yes, that is true, but according to the official definition a "connection" can be either:

1.) a relationship with a person, thing, or idea.

2.) an action of linkage.

A relationship with a person, thing, or idea. This is the primary definition of a connection. 

Most of you who know my family or myself know my crazy love story, but for those who don't, I'll give you the very very short and simple version:

Growing up, my family and our best friends family would go on vacation together every fall break. One year's vacation, when I was 13, we met a few guys from Washington... these guys were around our sisters age, but we all still became close. Once the cruise was over, we continued to keep in touch. One day one of the guys "introduced" me to his younger cousin who was my age through Myspace. Oh, Myspace days.

We instantly hit it off. He was my best friend. He was right after Tom on my top 8... serious stuff, man. We talked every day. All day. With being 3 hours in time difference, it never stopped us. His friends became my friends. My friends became his friends. It was a weird sight. A few years had rolled by, and the only communication we had was over the phone... but Christmas changed that when we both got webcam (laptops didn't have them already built in at the time). This made things so different, but a good different. We would have them on all the time... even when we weren't technically talking. I would be cleaning my closet, he would be fixing a table. He would be playing video games, I would be reading. Distance wasn't an issue because we were right there. We lifted each other up through God and through love. Gifts were sent back and forth with each other, fights were started, and jealousy rolled back and forth, but we always seemed to manage through it.

Time and time again, plans would fall through of coming together... as mad as I would be, looking back I know God was saving our hearts from doing so at such a young age. Just last year we applied to the same college in Arizona, both got accepted, but again, God knew what He was doing when He chose different schools for us to attend. Still, our connection was there... is there. We can go months without talking, pick up the phone to call or FaceTime, and nothing changes... whether his hard head believes it or not, nothing will change between us. Maybe God will bring us together one day, I pray it everyday, but loving someone is letting them do what they believe is best to do. That is connection. Bold and in italics. An action of linkage. Though this pertains to an actual linkage such as a bracelet clasp, braiding three strands of hair, or tying your shoe laces... it can go towards much deeper things that we take for granted: holding hands, locking eyes with a stranger or loved one, or even the feeling of a song that fits perfectly to what is going on in your life.

Holding hands is taken for granted so so often. You don't think anything of it than just being there with someone... but that's exactly what you're doing... being there. Right in that moment, right with that person, right in that place. You'll never have a moment like that again, sure you can do it again, but the same effects won't be present. The wind won't blow the same speed, your heart will beat a different beat, you won't be standing in the exact same position, your mind will be in a complete different zone, nothing will be the same. Most people just do this out of habit or obligation. This simple act can mean so much more than just, "oh here we go again, take my hand in yours...", it's a moment of safety, a moment of warmth. Next time you go to hold hands with your partner, truly be in that contact connection. Locking eyes. This, again, is something we don't think of. Sometimes we think it is awkward or embarrassing depending on who we share looks with, but other times it is a romantic gesture. Have you ever walked down through the mall or an airport, or even just at Walmart or on campus, and see someone you haven't seen before, but have that eye contact for more than 2 seconds... they smile, you smile back, then instantly feel weird that you had to experience that moment. That happens to all of us... but it doesn't have to be dreadful. You never know what looking someone in the eyes and smiling or greeting can mean. You could have the worst day so far, see a child smile at you as if nothing is wrong, and you remember that everything isn't as bad as you think. Just because you don't know them and they don't know your story, doesn't mean sharing eyes can be awkward. Sharing eyes with your partner is a different story. In movies you can tell that is the fairytale scene... gazing into the person of your dreams, being only in that moment. Yes, it looks special. Seeing the grooms face as his bride walks down the isle... yes, it looks special. So, when you find that person you can gaze into their eyes, into their heart, and into their mind... keep them and don't let go!

A song speaks a thousand thoughts. I truly believe this. A song can be words that were never said. I know we have all heard those songs that take us back to certain times in our lives, songs that make us remember certain smells or a food, but have you ever had a song that no matter what mood you were in or what was going on in your life- it was the only thing there for you or that could make things better? If you haven't yet, you will. Music connects people from all around the world to be in the same moment. Everybody goes through the same things, whether you see or believe that or not, but music is the true example of that. Seeing artists pour their heart out into a melody is such a beautiful sight, but when they are singing in front of an audience, stop singing and point the mic to the crowd to hear thousands of fans singing the same words in sync is what is powerful. Whether the song connects to you or your situation, the artist connects with your tastes, or everyone being together connecting to the melody... a song speaks.

A Prayer for 2016

Father in Heaven,

I want to start off by first thanking You for all that You have done in my life, and thank You especially for 2015. It definitely was a year. I know I take so much for granted and try my hardest to take full control over my life instead of trusting You and handing You the pen to my story. I officially hand You the pen as 2016 comes ringing in.

Forgive me, Father, for all of the sins that have filled my soul. Forgive me for knowing better but still choosing the wrong decision anyway. I know I am not perfect, nor will I ever be or even attempt to be, but know I do understand my actions and my consequences, even if I don't think about them at the time. I pray that You wash me clean from them. Forgive me for my past sins and the sins I will commit in the future.

You have blessed me so many times in my lifetime and continue to bless me on the daily basis. I pray You continue to guide me on this path that You have paved out for me. You have recently released me onto this path and though I am still shaky, I know You are walking right there beside me. You have broken me down and rebuilt me, for that I am forever grateful. I never understood what You were doing in my life, I will never understand what You do in my life, but it is truly an amazing work of art that You are painting in my view. I cannot wait to see where this path takes me in the near and/or distant future. You are a masterpiece.

I pray that in 2016 You help me to continuing growing into this person You have taken the mask off to uncover that I can finally call: "myself". You have helped me find myself and claim myself as someone I am happy to be and enjoy being. You have created this new personality, new mindset, new view, new attitude, new person... I can never thank You enough for being by my side throughout this uncovering and discovering. I was a complete mess in 2015, so much had occurred, but You never left my side even if I tried to push You away. Forgive me for being so hard headed and immature when it came to letting You in or coming to ou first instead. I never doubted You, nor will I ever doubt You, that is not the case... there isn't an excuse for my darkness and selfishness.

I pray You fill me with passion, determination, motivation, courage, and confidence in 2016. You have helped me to set my goals and see my dreams, I can already feel You fitting them into reality. I am so excited to see where these opportunities You have shown me will lead. I know I will be difficult in this process... I will get discouraged, I will think it's too much, I will overthink and even try to give up, but I pray that You keep me on track, no matter how stubborn I get. Maybe things won't work out, that is fine, it will teach me and prepare me for other things... that, I have to remember. You have a plan and I will stick to that.

I pray You continue to grow in me and speak not only to me, but through me to those in need. I know I have been more to myself these past few months when only thinking of myself while finding myself, but now that I am who You need me to be, or to start being, I now ask that I can inspire others the way that some have inspired me. Use me for You. Wherever, whenever, however. I will question if it is truly You speaking or not, I will ask for more signs, I apologize for that, but I want to be sure it is from You and not what I would want You to say. That is a difficulty I will always have and I ask that You help me in that, as well.

I am not praying for love this year. Honestly, I pray for no love this year. You have shown me love and You have taken it away from me, and I thank You for that. Again, I didn't realize it at the time what You were doing, but now that I do, I pray that you keep my mind open. Forgive me for not fully believing in the same kind of "love" that I'm supposed to or that is out there, but remind me that it is a possibility. I pray that You take me where I need to go, wherever that may be- settle me into the place You have set out for me, whatever that may be- and when I am ready will You give me the opportunity of a partner if that is what You have in store. If he is out there by chance, I ask that You are preparing him for me, but also preparing me for him. I pray that You not only guide us as individuals, but guide us as a pair as well, even if we aren't together yet.  

I know I have distanced myself maybe a little too far from people these past few months, in my mindset, if they aren't contributing to my growth that You have planted inside of me then I shouldn't continue to strive for a friendship that is only one sided. I pray in 2016, You show me who my true friends are... allow me to create new friendships, the ones that will truly last a lifetime. Open the doors to a new set of people whether it be at school, outside of class, at a workplace, or even just at random. I know I have never been good a friendships, but I pray that You bring me the right people to grow with. Surrounding myself with positive pearls.

I know this is a lot to pray for, and I know there will be a lot more to pray for, but entering into 2016, I want to start my year off right. I know so many people say "new year, new me" or "this year will be my year", but that is not the case for me... I want a new year, finally me, this is my year. Like I said, Father, I can already see You guiding me into the direction I have always dreamed, and even if You aren't, You are preparing me for the plan that You have made for me. I trust You. This is going to be an amazing journey and I cannot believe it is already here. Forgive me for my sins as the new year begins and I pray to be filled with freshness as we walk along this road.

In Your name I pray,

Amen

To My Best Friends Future Husband

My best friend sent me a link to "an open letter to my best friend's future husband", so I decided to make my own rendition of this letter, but to her future husband...

Dear you,

I have probably waited for you just as long, if not longer than she has... so this letter has been a long time coming. Whether you've been around the entire time or if you came into our lives down the road, you have definitely been the topic of most of our conversations for majority of our friendship and will be a main topic for the rest of our lives. She has dreamed of you all of her life, I have dreamed of you since she came into mine. We have talked about anything and everything when it comes to you from the way your hair is parted to the annoying habits you have or the sweet things you say. Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me, because let's be honest, she can't not tell me, right? If you didn't know, you do now. We talk about EVERYTHING when it comes to you, trust me. We don't necessarily "judge" you, but be aware of what you do, my friend. I know you know what you're getting yourself into when it comes to her, but there's things you may not know. The love of your life is also the love of my life. She will always be my top priority, whether you and I get along or not, I will always be around. I know you think you may know her like a book, but there is nobody in this world that knows her better than I do. She can be opinionated, she is competitive, she is the life of the party but know she needs time to herself too, she has such a kind heart, she is sensitive whether she shows it or not, but she is so strong whether she knows it or not. Nothing gets past her so don't try, trust me, her and I together can dig up anything. She is definitely one in a million, so you are lucky she let you in... keep her. I know she will show you a new side of life, and I pray that you do the same for her. Remind her she is beautiful, never stop showing her you care, surprise her, show your support even if you don't understand the situation, agree with her because we both know she will get her way anyways. Out of all the advice I can give you, the one thing I ask of you is that you never give up on her love. She is a tough soul and she has opened up to you, that isn't something that is easy for her, she has had a past, so respect her and love her more each day. You may not have believed me when I said I've waited for you as well, but it's true. She was mine before she was yours, I've seen every side of her and I know how much she already loves you whether you are present in our lives or not, she deserves this happiness and love, and I am so blessed that she found that in you. I may be bitter that I have to share my best friend, and I will need my fair share, but if you mean that much to her, you mean that much to me. Thank you for finding her and sweeping her off her feet.

Best wishes,

Macy Jo