Fear.

Fear.

                What is the first thing you think of when you hear that word? Really think. Not just “oh, spiders and snakes” “bad weather” “car wrecks” … no, what is your actual fear in life? My fear is myself. It always has been, but the reasons continue to change.

                I have been wanting to write this post for a few weeks but I couldn’t get my thoughts together enough to even try to begin. And honestly, my thoughts are still probably a little scattered because this is a topic I have a lot of heart for and want to make sense. Hopefully it turns out that way.

                My favorite author (at the moment, at least) is Jen Sincero. She is a “life and success coach”, basically just a motivational author/speaker. A lot of the things that I have learned (and will be on my soap-box about today) have come from her teachings… truly, her words have helped me so much in life, this being one so like I said, this is a very touching subject to me. She explains how most people live in an illusion of what their life should* be instead of what they want it to be based on someone else’s beliefs, or “beliefs” that were drilled into your head growing up. Our subconscious mind locks that information in and runs our life based solely off that, yet we don’t think anything about it because it is what we have grown to know. In order to get your life on the track that YOU want it to be, you have to start with yourself. Jen explains how in the “self-help” world your “ego” is used to refer to your false-self, or the self that is holding you back from the things you want in life. All in all, you* are your own fear whether you see it or not.

                “Our thoughts become our words, our words become our beliefs, our beliefs become our actions, out actions become our realities”

                The life you dream about isn’t as far as it seems, it’s just an excuse to stay in your comfort zone. Trust me, this is something I still won’t move from or grasp, but it truly makes sense. We, and I do say WE because I know I’m not the only one that does this, focus on things we believe are true about ourselves: I can’t do this, I’m bad at that, I won’t be able to do this, I know* that’s not possible. If all of these are “true” or you “know” defines you, cool, enjoy the life you created in a bubble instead of celebrating how amazing you are, that you can do anything- achieve anything, and actually live the dreams you’ve fantasied about. That is the fear I fear the most about myself; I have drilled into my head that I won’t be able to do certain things because I’m not good enough or there are others who will do it better or just that it's not realistic so I’m just going to settle or be stuck doing the same things the rest of my life. That is not the case whatsoever, but there will always be that self-doubt in everyone’s head of their own hate*. I’ve always been the type that is too hard on myself, I expect too much from myself, or believe* that everything about me isn’t worth it… some have come from myself, some have come from my past, but overall that is how I have always seen myself. I am an OCD perfectionist with every detail of my life, but I am learning to love myself more than I love anything. We all stay believing these things we have gotten used to telling ourselves or hearing* when it’s just our fear of change or success in ourselves. Get your ego (false-self) out of the way and be the person YOU want to be and do the things that YOU want to do… what you do or say is your responsibility, not how others take it. If you want to create a new self, do it, if people judge/leave, screw ‘em… true colors always show but true people always stay. I know it’s hard to solely think of yourself sometimes, but trust me, it’s worth it… mainly everyone looks out for themselves anyways, so do what you have to do for you instead of pleasing others just because they are there for the moment. Life goes on. Yes, a lot of people will want to look out for you and want what’s best for you in THEIR eyes, but this is YOUR life… it’s time to make your own choices: win or lose.

                “Going into the world and trying, yet still deep-down believing that you are ruled by your past is like forgiving someone but still hoping they sit in something wet.”

                Procrastinating is something we all do, even when we try our best to stay focused, we are still somehow procrastinating something. And even if you don’t realize it, procrastination can be a fear inside yourself… we put off the things that we want to achieve in life, again, because we make excuses or tell ourselves it’s not something we can reach. Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “goodness, Macy Jo, shut upppp, my life is just the way I want it and I’m not scared of anything especially myself”… okay, that’s completely fine, congratulations… but I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this type of self-fear. I      am      a      DREA    -    MER, always have been, there are things I want to do so badly in life or be so badly in life but I always put it off because I’m scared of failure or outside reactions. Why? I don’t know. I used to be so care-free and go-getting, but randomly from around Christmas break to now that has somewhat flipped. Like I mentioned in my last post, I am helping myself back up to stand on both feet and learning to love myself again and be that care-free, strong, independent and go-getting self but sometimes it isn’t always as easy to keep up as it seems. It’s just like working-out… you have to keep up with the routine and adding weights/miles each time you go until you reach your goal (then of course continue to strive for a new goal and start work again). When it comes to fear in yourself, Jen suggests to write down all of your self-hating-self-stories as she calls them, that you truly believe about yourself and become aware of them, then reverse them and become aware of the new stories. Her example, not mine (lol): “I can’t meet a man because there aren’t any good ones left” becomes “The world is filled with awesome, loving men, and I am fully capable of and so excited to find me a good one”. Trust me, that is not one of my self-stories, you all know my thoughts on that. For my example I would say: “I can’t do this certain thing because it is too far-fetched and I’m not as good for it as someone else could be” turns into “I am so excited to prove to myself and others that I can achieve this because I will be amazing at it”. Though I still don't believe it at this moment, the more I drill that into my subconscious mind, the more true it will become in my world and things will begin to change. I had a professor my freshman year, the one that made me change my major and that I looked up to for such a long time (and still do), told us that her house is full of positive sticky notes to remind herself that she is worth it and remind her of the goals she has set out to keep believing that she can do them instead of putting them off. They would be on the fridge, on a mirror, on a doorknob, on a random stair step, even on the dog's bag of food (which I thought was hilarious) anywhere that she would touch or pass daily in order to continue reading the same words, drilling them into her mind. Once she has accomplished one of the goal sticky notes, she removes it and puts them in a jar to show that she is capable. I always thought that was so amazing and wish I could do it, I just never tried... maybe I should.

                So, whether you feel the fear in yourself or are now starting to see it in your own versions, I first want to tell you that you are an amazing and beautifully made person who can do anything you want and be whoever you want with ease. Set your mind on the positives in your life and block out the negative vibes around you along with the fear inside you. But I also want to challenge you to make that list of self-stories that you believe are true: why are they true to you, what can change them, how can you change them. This will take time but it really puts things into perspective. Next, make another list of things you want to be your “self-love-self-stories”. Be creative, be open, it can be absolutely anything that you’ve wanted or might want: what are they, how can you reach them, why haven’t you reached them or what’s holding you back. Don’t fear yourself or change or success or opinions/rejections… be confident in who you are and love yourself because YOU ARE WORTH IT and YOU CAN CONQUER ANY FEAR AND ANYTHING!!! I believe in you, just like I am starting to believe in myself, just like you should believe in yourself.

Matthew McConaughey & his hero. Me & my hero. You & your hero.

                It’s 1:20 am, I have been awake since 7:15 am from working to packing up my entire dorm and moving back home… then unpacking what was my entire dorm back into my room. Let’s just say I am absolutely exhausted, but as I was laying here trying to get some rest; my mind wouldn’t seem to shut off… as it does every night for most everyone… but this was something I had to get out before I forgot my exact thought process or just became unmotivated in the morning to do so (plus I just finished three episodes of Sex & The City so obviously my inner Carrie Bradshaw was is in the writing mood).

                This post has to do with change.

                Change; verb

`.)      make or become different

2.)      to take or use instead of

By the definition and what we obviously already know, change makes something new or somewhat new in certain situations. I have always heard people say how they “don’t like change” or they “can’t accept change” … most everything that comes with the word always seems to be in negative terms, but I see it more as a positive than a negative. Why? Because I look deeper than what is becoming different at the time. It's simply a transition.

Whether you believe in God or not, you have probably grown up hearing, “God always has a reason for the things He does”, and I know it is hard to believe at the time because you are thinking, ‘uh, why would He want this for me… I don’t want this for me, this doesn’t make sense”, but that’s exactly why things happen the way they do. Just because you want something a certain way doesn’t always mean it will happen that way. God sees the bigger picture; what you need now and in the future. Sure, it may cause a temporary feeling at the time but soon it will be worth it. Whatever He may do in your life may not be drastic or it could feel as if your world is crashing, but in the end it will have a better outcome. That has always taken me a long time to understand and still will not fully understand but I do know that is the truth. I’ve seen it happen in many ways. But I have always been a lover of change; I’ve always wanted change. There are several different types of change that can occur, things such as: within your surroundings, within who you associate with, within your life or plans, within your yourself, within your goals or dreams, within… almost anything.

Change within yourself.

This is a very important topic for me. I am a firm believer in self-change. Honestly, it combines every type of change all in one, it is all about YOU. Go ahead, lie all you want and say that you have never changed- you’ve been the same person as you always have been and you always will be blah blah blah… okay but let’s be real, that’s ridiculous. We have alllllll been through phases in our lives, some more drastic than others but it is still a change in who you believe you are or want to be. Me being one with a major collection of phases… my “skater” stage that turned into full blown “emo” to “let’s try prep” to not caring whatsoever to, now... I’m honestly not even sure what I am now, I’m still changing. 

 Matthew McConaughey (love of my life: top 5) gave a speech when winning “Best Actor” at the 2014 Oscars that has made a huge and lasting impact on my outlook on life, my life. Usually when hearing or reading a speech like this, you don’t fully take it in if they even say anything other than a shoutout to whoever helped put the film or song together, but I strongly recommend reading every word of this speech:

There’s a few things, about three things to my count, that I need each day. One of them is something to look up to, another is something to look forward to, and another is someone to chase.
 

Now, first off, I want to thank God, because that’s who I look up to. He’s graced my life with opportunities that I know are not of my hand or any other human hand. He has shown me that it’s a scientific fact that gratitude reciprocates. In the words of the late Charlie Laughton, who said,“When you got God, you got a friend. And that friend is you.”
 
To my family, that’s who and what I look forward to. To my father, I know he’s up there right now with a big pot of gumbo. He’s got a lemon meringue pie over there. He’s probably in his underwear, and he’s got a cold can of Miller Lite and he’s dancing right now. To you dad, you taught me what it means to be a man. To my mother who’s here tonight, who taught me and my two older brothers — demanded that we respect ourselves. And what we in turn learned was then we were better able to respect others. Thank you for that, Mama. To my wife Camila and my kids Levi, Vida, Mr. Stone, the courage and significance you give me every day I go out the door is unparalleled. You are the four people in my life that I want to make the most proud of me. Thank you.
 
And to my hero, that’s who I chase. Now, when I was 15 years old, I had a very important person in my life come to me and say, “Who’s your hero?” And I said, “I don’t know, I’ve got to think about that. Give me a couple of weeks.” I come back two weeks later, this person comes up and says, “Who’s your hero?” I said, “I thought about it. It’s me in 10 years.” So I turned 25. Ten years later, that same person comes to me and says, “So, are you a hero?” And I was like, “Not even close! No, no no!” She said, “Why?” I said, “Because my hero’s me at 35.” So you see every day, every week, every month, and every year of my life, my hero’s always ten years away. I’m never going to be my hero. I’m not going to attain that. I know I’m not. And that’s just fine with me, because that keeps me with somebody to keep on chasing. So, to any of us, whatever those things are, whatever it is we look up to, whatever it is we look forward to, and whoever it is we’re chasing. To that I say: Amen. To that I say, All right, all right, all right. To that I say, just keep living, eh? Thank you.

                Okay, now read that again slowly and out loud (if you didn't the first time). Truly read it. Truly understand it. Of course, I was getting emotional as I was writing and listening to this… but when am I not emotional, right? Lol.

                Obviously I was and want others to be inspired by the love of God or the solid support from family to lean on, but the part that really hit me was becoming your own hero. How could I, Macy Jo, be my own hero? I don’t even see myself as someone else’s hero so why in the world would I want to be my own? But that is exactly what clicked with me: if I am not happy with who I am at this very moment to where I wouldn’t have even looked up to myself when I was younger or expect someone else to right now, when will I be proud of that? I am definitely not the same person I was this time last year, last year at this time I wasn’t the same person as I was the year before, the list continues, but the changes is what matters. You should never care what other people think of you or your decisions, they are for you, not for them. If people call you out for being “different” or say they don’t like who you have “become”, hand them a cookie and be on your way. True people in your life will support you whether they agree/understand it or not, if they can’t, you don’t need to let them rain on your new* parade or drag you down from the progress you are trying to make. People will always judge you when you do something that it out of their own comfort zone… give them something to judge and stand for yourself instead of pleasing others or continuing the same motions to “play it safe”. My family always brings up my “emo” days as blackmail or just to make fun, but when we do talk about it my sister will ask why my parents let me do that or buy me the things to go with the “look” and every time they say that it was what I wanted... even though it was random and I looked so stupid, they still supported me. Now, many moons later, I am not completely different but at the same time I am completely different. Yes, I am still me, but I am finding new things out about myself and I am shedding off things that haven’t been beneficial to me. I hate when people say, “where do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years?” … uh, how am I supposed to know? I don’t even know what I’m doing right now in my life. But hearing this speech made me really think: wait, what do I want to achieve in the next 10 years? Who do I want to achieve in 10 years? Heck, what and who do I want to achieve within the next week? Month? I am a big dreamer, probably too much for my own good but it keeps me going, motivated, determined and excited. Turning into my own hero won’t be a challenge for me due to this reason- it’s just taking the step to start, to step away from what people might think or say, to step into a new mindset and routine, to step into my new* life. Change is going to be constant, how you choose to change is ultimately your choice. It will take time, but as cheesy as this may sound, like Miley Cyrus sang, “life is a climb, but the view is great.” What will your view look like? Who will you, as your hero, be in the near and far future? Chase them and no one else. Be you but also be who you want to look up to.

               

                (Lol, it’s 3:10 am. How am I still functioning? If none of this makes sense, blame my brain for not letting me sleep... so, goodnight and HAPPY SUMMER… If I haven’t said it enough, I AM OFFICIALLY A SENIOR IN COLLEGEEEEEE!)

Updated Roomie Appreciation

              

  I know I have already written a roommate appreciation post in my original blog, I think it was posted back in September or October… and though nothing has changed, a lot has changed.

                So even though Aubry didn’t tell me to write this one, this one is for you snickerdoodle :)

                As you all have probably read, Aubry and I have kind of been newly found best friends, but it’s not like we had to grow into our friendship. For those who haven’t known our cute little love story I guess you could say, a brief overview: both of our roommates last year were graduating so we were going to be placed with “randoms”… our “randoms” were not compatible for either one of us. I posted on YikYak (a college campus wide anon app based on the closest college near you, obviously MSU is the only college anywhere near here) that I needed a roommate. Yes, many people responded but none worked out or continued the conversation, then one seemed to be okay… looked each other up on Facebook, obviously you have to stalk, right? We had one mutual friend on FB, which to me was a sign, lol why- idk- but it did. We started messaging back and forth and instantly became close. We both had boyfriends at the time that both said we were more obsessed with each other than we were of them… true. We had never met until the day she moved in. You would think it would be awkward to live with someone you didn’t even know… or to meet someone you have been sharing everything with for the past four months for the first time, but it wasn’t. Aw, and we have been bff ever since, how cute, I know.  

                Growing up I haven’t had the best luck with “friends” (if you would even call them that). I remember the first time being treated badly by a “friend” was in first grade… that is sad, especially since I remember it so vividly… at 6 years old… but ever since then I’ve literally had one friend that has stayed with me through everything. Which is fine; you don’t have to surround yourself with friends, but you don’t need to surround yourself with people as “friends” just because it is expected or because you need things to do. Then Aubry came along. I can honestly say I have never met someone who is the exact same person as I am, I’m pretty sure we were twins separated at birth. You know how most twins are complete opposites but also identical in personality? That is Aubry and me, but it just works! I have made so many new friends, actual friends, best friends even, since I started my life here in Morehead and I cannot be more thankful for those people, but Aubry is… different. I truly believe that soulmates don’t always come in the form of a significant other, so with that I believe Aubry is mine.

                Being roommates with your best friend can sometimes be complicated. You may want your time to yourself, but it may be taken as something is wrong between you two. You may get annoyed with things the other one does, but that doesn’t mean things are tense. You can come back to the room after a long day and both not speak the rest of the night, but you know it’s just a normal thing. Or sometimes you can share the best memories solely in the room (we may have too many memories from just being in here, but none that I wouldn’t do again). To us, it isn’t a forced friendship just because our beds are connected, it is an endless slumber party. I not only have learned so much about her, but I’ve learned so much about myself just from being with her or from the advice she gives. We aren’t afraid to be blunt with each other instead of sugar coating things with a chance of something bad happening to the other; that’s what best friends are for, right? I care for her more than I care for myself and that is something not many people can say about someone else. Even if my world is absolutely crashing, if she has the slightest thing wrong, I will instantly forget about what was even bothering me to run to her. I know I can share anything and everything with whether it be clothes, food, stories, concerns, battles… heck, even guys. Even if I try to keep things in from her to save face or to keep my strong image, she sees right through me but will give me time to come to her when I need her. And the same for me with her.

                Many people don’t understand our relationship, or can’t understand it, but I think that is what is so special between us. I’ve been told I’ve changed this year, which I have because I meant to, but it’s also because I have found someone who has brought out a side of me that I could never let out with anyone else. She has been told she has changed, which she probably has, but we have grown and grown together. No matter what you do or how you do it, people are going to have something negative to say, so I am thankful to have someone who will always support me and never leave me on the ground when I am down. And I hope she feels the same.

                This has been absolutely a crazy school year for me, a good crazy. I’m so glad I got to spend every moment of it with Aubry. But the problem is that school is out in two days, then there isa three month period where we are apart until school starts back. The bigger problem is that we won’t be roommates anymore with next year being my senior year. Not because we didn’t want to be, we tried everything to be, but things weren’t working how we were planning. I will still be living on campus with one of my good friends and she will be living off campus with one of her good friends. As upset as I am about not being able to spend 24’7 with her next year, nothing in our friendship will change. That is a promise. I know we will still continue to have our slumber parties, but in the typical way, but we will also spend as much time together as we can. Though I am scared to not live with her, I know our friendship will never fail, heck it may even grow stronger if that is even possible.

                I cannot thank you enough, Aubry, for being the other half of me. And though you are across from me laying in bed and I could tell you all this in person, I feel the world needs to know it as well. I know I may not always be the best friend I should be and I can’t apologize enough for that, but I want you to know how special you are to me. I can never lose you, I won't. I also know that we can be such a hassle to each other and to everyone else, but there is no one else I would rather be rowdy with or spend my nights eating pizza while bundling up watching Netflix movies almost every night! You are such a strong, beautiful, motivated and genuine person, I don’t want you to ever forget that or doubt that. I know there are things that you struggle with that I can’t help but I will always try the best I can to do as much as I can to fix it. I love you so so much. *HOHHHHHHH YAAAAAA!!*

p.s. good luck on your 8 a.m. final in the morning..........

Dear past Macy Jo,

**this is an old More Issues Than Vogue post that I had forgotten to copy to this page, but this is one of my favorite pieces...**

Dear younger self,

Stop. You're okay. Honestly, everything is not as dramatic as you think. These friendships will end, these boys won't be worth your time, do the things you want to do but stay on this path that you're on... you end up great! But here's a reminder if you get stuck along the way:

I know you think you have to have everything right on track all the time so soon, but trust me, you still don't fully and you don't need to be at either point. You're going to have these bad grades in biology or geometry, and I know you're studying and staying after... I'm so proud of you, sometimes things just don't click... and that's fine. Don't be so hard on yourself... these just aren't your subjects. You get a bomb score on your ACT, and that's ultimately all that matters. Either way, you win. When it comes to senior year, you don't have to know that you want to be a nurse just because of CNA, you won't be a nurse, but enjoy that class... it'll change your life and so will the people in it, be thankful and cherish that semester more than anything. Girlfriend, I know you think this "emo" stage early on is cute, it's not, but if you're going to do it, own that, heck, go all out, if people judge a bubble emo cheerleader, let them. (*as I currently listen to my throwback "pop to punk" playlist). I know you feel like you have to be dark because you feel like the world is crashing because of silly things and that you don't have anyone by your side (because let's face it, they were petty things), continue writing in your journal... I wish you wouldn't have ripped it up, it was a healer. You'll never really leave this dark stage, it'll just get classier! *hair flips*. You'll learn one day, these minor details were just the depression clouds growing into something more down the road, and even then, just breathe, you're not alone... truly. Your so-called "friends" are NOT your friends, do notttttt waste time worrying about making them happy instead of yourself, trust me, they wouldn't do the same for you. They are not worth your tears. Sure, give them a second change, but not a third, fourth, or fifth... they are not deserving. I know you do this because you have such a big heart and also feel like they will be your only friends, no. When it comes to your first date freshman year, you'll enjoy it. When it comes to your first kiss sophomore year, don't worry, you did fine, nothing to be scared of... it was a great date, but don't get hung up on this guy, when you break up after a month, move on, he wasn't thatttttt into you- oops. I know you think you're in love when junior year and senior year comes around... enjoy this as much as you can because it won't last and don't expect it to... you'll learn that things change, people change, and you will fall in love again with someone else (lol, don't worry though, it hasn't happened yet or for a long time, thank goodness), but be thankful he was the first love you had... but when you break up, pick yourself up, be strong, things just change and you can't help that. It wasn't your fault he left, you did everything you could have. I wish you wouldn't have quit cheerleading because of that. I wish you wouldn't have dropped your friends because of that. I wish you wouldn't have been inactive in your senior year because of that. Heck, you'll fail classes your freshman year of college because of that, but also because you just don't understand the subjects, again, that's more than fine... get the credit and move on. C's and D's get degrees, right? Stupid GenEds... You'll change your major anyways, trust me, this was the best decision you can make... thank Professor Harney as much as you can for that! Transferring sophomore year wasn't scary, right? I'm so proud of you for doing this... THIS was the best decision you could make, I promise you'll fall in love with this school more and more by the day. MSU EagleNation! You were meant to be here. I'm proud that you made friends, I'm proud that you went to the gym, I'm proud of you for stepping out there, I'm proud that you studied- even if your depression kicked in more of the time and you skipped classes often, you still made those good grades! I know it's hard having a boyfriend who goes to a different school, but you've got your girlfriends, they will take care of you. But be prepared, this relationship won't last either come the end of the semester. But coming into junior year this year, you're whole life will change... and when I say change, I mean it... you're a different person and for that, I cannot be more proud and happy of/for you. You're entire personality is going to change, and I know you couldn't care less, own it... no one can stop you. You're a boss, girlfriend. You'll lose a few friends but now you've got the best of friends you've ever had by your side, you've got a bomb roommate, you've met so many new people and are so much more active with those friends than you would have been, you're getting out there, you're not letting people walk all over you, you're so strong with emotions- and maybe too strong, you found your passion and you're making a life you're excited for and actually want/need! I'm not saying you're not going to have a bad day or 70, but be thankful you have realized how to help yourself during it and not depend on anyone else for anything, especially that. It's okay to go out and have fun- you're safe and know your boundaries, it's okay to go on a date then never talk to him again, it's okay to kiss different people- that DOES NOT make you a slut, it's okay to skip your first class so you can cuddle with your roommate after a bad night before, and it's even okay to have a random turnt Monday night in the room. Girl, get back in that gym, go see a tutor for finance, and make this next year and half YOURS!!! Out of everything, I'm glad everything has happened the way it did to lead you to this point, I just wish you weren't so hard on yourself during it... trust me, life couldn't be better right now... listen to my words on how proud I am of you and that you are not alone, I'm here, things get so much better. BE POSITIVE!

6 years ago to today sure had a lot to offer, and I can't wait to see where we are 6 years from today.

I love you so much, Mace.

Xoxo.

Connections.

Connections can come in many forms. For most, a connection means a relationship with a person. And yes, that is true, but according to the official definition a "connection" can be either:

1.) a relationship with a person, thing, or idea.

2.) an action of linkage.

A relationship with a person, thing, or idea. This is the primary definition of a connection. 

Most of you who know my family or myself know my crazy love story, but for those who don't, I'll give you the very very short and simple version:

Growing up, my family and our best friends family would go on vacation together every fall break. One year's vacation, when I was 13, we met a few guys from Washington... these guys were around our sisters age, but we all still became close. Once the cruise was over, we continued to keep in touch. One day one of the guys "introduced" me to his younger cousin who was my age through Myspace. Oh, Myspace days.

We instantly hit it off. He was my best friend. He was right after Tom on my top 8... serious stuff, man. We talked every day. All day. With being 3 hours in time difference, it never stopped us. His friends became my friends. My friends became his friends. It was a weird sight. A few years had rolled by, and the only communication we had was over the phone... but Christmas changed that when we both got webcam (laptops didn't have them already built in at the time). This made things so different, but a good different. We would have them on all the time... even when we weren't technically talking. I would be cleaning my closet, he would be fixing a table. He would be playing video games, I would be reading. Distance wasn't an issue because we were right there. We lifted each other up through God and through love. Gifts were sent back and forth with each other, fights were started, and jealousy rolled back and forth, but we always seemed to manage through it.

Time and time again, plans would fall through of coming together... as mad as I would be, looking back I know God was saving our hearts from doing so at such a young age. Just last year we applied to the same college in Arizona, both got accepted, but again, God knew what He was doing when He chose different schools for us to attend. Still, our connection was there... is there. We can go months without talking, pick up the phone to call or FaceTime, and nothing changes... whether his hard head believes it or not, nothing will change between us. Maybe God will bring us together one day, I pray it everyday, but loving someone is letting them do what they believe is best to do. That is connection. Bold and in italics. An action of linkage. Though this pertains to an actual linkage such as a bracelet clasp, braiding three strands of hair, or tying your shoe laces... it can go towards much deeper things that we take for granted: holding hands, locking eyes with a stranger or loved one, or even the feeling of a song that fits perfectly to what is going on in your life.

Holding hands is taken for granted so so often. You don't think anything of it than just being there with someone... but that's exactly what you're doing... being there. Right in that moment, right with that person, right in that place. You'll never have a moment like that again, sure you can do it again, but the same effects won't be present. The wind won't blow the same speed, your heart will beat a different beat, you won't be standing in the exact same position, your mind will be in a complete different zone, nothing will be the same. Most people just do this out of habit or obligation. This simple act can mean so much more than just, "oh here we go again, take my hand in yours...", it's a moment of safety, a moment of warmth. Next time you go to hold hands with your partner, truly be in that contact connection. Locking eyes. This, again, is something we don't think of. Sometimes we think it is awkward or embarrassing depending on who we share looks with, but other times it is a romantic gesture. Have you ever walked down through the mall or an airport, or even just at Walmart or on campus, and see someone you haven't seen before, but have that eye contact for more than 2 seconds... they smile, you smile back, then instantly feel weird that you had to experience that moment. That happens to all of us... but it doesn't have to be dreadful. You never know what looking someone in the eyes and smiling or greeting can mean. You could have the worst day so far, see a child smile at you as if nothing is wrong, and you remember that everything isn't as bad as you think. Just because you don't know them and they don't know your story, doesn't mean sharing eyes can be awkward. Sharing eyes with your partner is a different story. In movies you can tell that is the fairytale scene... gazing into the person of your dreams, being only in that moment. Yes, it looks special. Seeing the grooms face as his bride walks down the isle... yes, it looks special. So, when you find that person you can gaze into their eyes, into their heart, and into their mind... keep them and don't let go!

A song speaks a thousand thoughts. I truly believe this. A song can be words that were never said. I know we have all heard those songs that take us back to certain times in our lives, songs that make us remember certain smells or a food, but have you ever had a song that no matter what mood you were in or what was going on in your life- it was the only thing there for you or that could make things better? If you haven't yet, you will. Music connects people from all around the world to be in the same moment. Everybody goes through the same things, whether you see or believe that or not, but music is the true example of that. Seeing artists pour their heart out into a melody is such a beautiful sight, but when they are singing in front of an audience, stop singing and point the mic to the crowd to hear thousands of fans singing the same words in sync is what is powerful. Whether the song connects to you or your situation, the artist connects with your tastes, or everyone being together connecting to the melody... a song speaks.

A Prayer for 2016

Father in Heaven,

I want to start off by first thanking You for all that You have done in my life, and thank You especially for 2015. It definitely was a year. I know I take so much for granted and try my hardest to take full control over my life instead of trusting You and handing You the pen to my story. I officially hand You the pen as 2016 comes ringing in.

Forgive me, Father, for all of the sins that have filled my soul. Forgive me for knowing better but still choosing the wrong decision anyway. I know I am not perfect, nor will I ever be or even attempt to be, but know I do understand my actions and my consequences, even if I don't think about them at the time. I pray that You wash me clean from them. Forgive me for my past sins and the sins I will commit in the future.

You have blessed me so many times in my lifetime and continue to bless me on the daily basis. I pray You continue to guide me on this path that You have paved out for me. You have recently released me onto this path and though I am still shaky, I know You are walking right there beside me. You have broken me down and rebuilt me, for that I am forever grateful. I never understood what You were doing in my life, I will never understand what You do in my life, but it is truly an amazing work of art that You are painting in my view. I cannot wait to see where this path takes me in the near and/or distant future. You are a masterpiece.

I pray that in 2016 You help me to continuing growing into this person You have taken the mask off to uncover that I can finally call: "myself". You have helped me find myself and claim myself as someone I am happy to be and enjoy being. You have created this new personality, new mindset, new view, new attitude, new person... I can never thank You enough for being by my side throughout this uncovering and discovering. I was a complete mess in 2015, so much had occurred, but You never left my side even if I tried to push You away. Forgive me for being so hard headed and immature when it came to letting You in or coming to ou first instead. I never doubted You, nor will I ever doubt You, that is not the case... there isn't an excuse for my darkness and selfishness.

I pray You fill me with passion, determination, motivation, courage, and confidence in 2016. You have helped me to set my goals and see my dreams, I can already feel You fitting them into reality. I am so excited to see where these opportunities You have shown me will lead. I know I will be difficult in this process... I will get discouraged, I will think it's too much, I will overthink and even try to give up, but I pray that You keep me on track, no matter how stubborn I get. Maybe things won't work out, that is fine, it will teach me and prepare me for other things... that, I have to remember. You have a plan and I will stick to that.

I pray You continue to grow in me and speak not only to me, but through me to those in need. I know I have been more to myself these past few months when only thinking of myself while finding myself, but now that I am who You need me to be, or to start being, I now ask that I can inspire others the way that some have inspired me. Use me for You. Wherever, whenever, however. I will question if it is truly You speaking or not, I will ask for more signs, I apologize for that, but I want to be sure it is from You and not what I would want You to say. That is a difficulty I will always have and I ask that You help me in that, as well.

I am not praying for love this year. Honestly, I pray for no love this year. You have shown me love and You have taken it away from me, and I thank You for that. Again, I didn't realize it at the time what You were doing, but now that I do, I pray that you keep my mind open. Forgive me for not fully believing in the same kind of "love" that I'm supposed to or that is out there, but remind me that it is a possibility. I pray that You take me where I need to go, wherever that may be- settle me into the place You have set out for me, whatever that may be- and when I am ready will You give me the opportunity of a partner if that is what You have in store. If he is out there by chance, I ask that You are preparing him for me, but also preparing me for him. I pray that You not only guide us as individuals, but guide us as a pair as well, even if we aren't together yet.  

I know I have distanced myself maybe a little too far from people these past few months, in my mindset, if they aren't contributing to my growth that You have planted inside of me then I shouldn't continue to strive for a friendship that is only one sided. I pray in 2016, You show me who my true friends are... allow me to create new friendships, the ones that will truly last a lifetime. Open the doors to a new set of people whether it be at school, outside of class, at a workplace, or even just at random. I know I have never been good a friendships, but I pray that You bring me the right people to grow with. Surrounding myself with positive pearls.

I know this is a lot to pray for, and I know there will be a lot more to pray for, but entering into 2016, I want to start my year off right. I know so many people say "new year, new me" or "this year will be my year", but that is not the case for me... I want a new year, finally me, this is my year. Like I said, Father, I can already see You guiding me into the direction I have always dreamed, and even if You aren't, You are preparing me for the plan that You have made for me. I trust You. This is going to be an amazing journey and I cannot believe it is already here. Forgive me for my sins as the new year begins and I pray to be filled with freshness as we walk along this road.

In Your name I pray,

Amen

To My Best Friends Future Husband

My best friend sent me a link to "an open letter to my best friend's future husband", so I decided to make my own rendition of this letter, but to her future husband...

Dear you,

I have probably waited for you just as long, if not longer than she has... so this letter has been a long time coming. Whether you've been around the entire time or if you came into our lives down the road, you have definitely been the topic of most of our conversations for majority of our friendship and will be a main topic for the rest of our lives. She has dreamed of you all of her life, I have dreamed of you since she came into mine. We have talked about anything and everything when it comes to you from the way your hair is parted to the annoying habits you have or the sweet things you say. Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me, because let's be honest, she can't not tell me, right? If you didn't know, you do now. We talk about EVERYTHING when it comes to you, trust me. We don't necessarily "judge" you, but be aware of what you do, my friend. I know you know what you're getting yourself into when it comes to her, but there's things you may not know. The love of your life is also the love of my life. She will always be my top priority, whether you and I get along or not, I will always be around. I know you think you may know her like a book, but there is nobody in this world that knows her better than I do. She can be opinionated, she is competitive, she is the life of the party but know she needs time to herself too, she has such a kind heart, she is sensitive whether she shows it or not, but she is so strong whether she knows it or not. Nothing gets past her so don't try, trust me, her and I together can dig up anything. She is definitely one in a million, so you are lucky she let you in... keep her. I know she will show you a new side of life, and I pray that you do the same for her. Remind her she is beautiful, never stop showing her you care, surprise her, show your support even if you don't understand the situation, agree with her because we both know she will get her way anyways. Out of all the advice I can give you, the one thing I ask of you is that you never give up on her love. She is a tough soul and she has opened up to you, that isn't something that is easy for her, she has had a past, so respect her and love her more each day. You may not have believed me when I said I've waited for you as well, but it's true. She was mine before she was yours, I've seen every side of her and I know how much she already loves you whether you are present in our lives or not, she deserves this happiness and love, and I am so blessed that she found that in you. I may be bitter that I have to share my best friend, and I will need my fair share, but if you mean that much to her, you mean that much to me. Thank you for finding her and sweeping her off her feet.

Best wishes,

Macy Jo

Soulmates: Reality or Fantasy?

Everyone hears about finding your "soulmate" or having a "person" (which is the same thing from what it sounds), but are soulmates even a true compatibility anymore or has society just taught our generation that in order to be happy we must rely on someone else to bring that joy into our lives and continue to walk through life with them. This can be a very touchy subject for some, but it is one my biggest pet peeves. I am still young and there is so much for me to learn, but I have already learned more than I would have guessed at this age and have been taught things by my family growing up, as well.

What is a soulmate? A soulmate is the love of your life. Someone you can always turn to. Someone you can't live without, and if you do have to live without them, you always seem to have the exact same feeling every time their name is even mentioned. You are drawn to each other. You can sit in a silent room with each other and be more than content. You can be a crowded room and only feel like it's only the two of you. You can tell your deepest thoughts to and your biggest dreams. You can you, highs and lows. Someone you can spend every day for the rest of your life with and grow happier and more in love each day leading to that. The "movies" type situations that you always drooled over, but in real life.

As you guys have already learned, I was in a pretty major relationship for almost 4 years that I truly believed the guy was my "soulmate"... why did I think he was the "one"? Because it was there, it was safe. We grew up together since we were children, we had similar interests, we could be ourselves with not only each other but each other's families, we worked together, we went to school together, we came home together, we were always around. His laugh was my favorite sound. His eyes lit up the room. He was my backbone. He was my best friend. We were... us. You couldn't say one of our names without the other's following. I would have done anything for him, and still would, but growing up, things change... people change... situations change. We would fight like cats and dogs, but at the end of the day, our "love" couldn't tear us apart. We broke up 3 times, and for some reason, we always gravitated back towards each other.. fate? soulmates? comfort? love? I would have adored for this guy to be what people call their "soulmate" to live the rest of my life with like we had planned at this young age with the ring he gave me and all, but reality set in, and set in fast. College set in. We went to separate schools. Though we did try to make the distance work... we grew up, but we grew into totally different people than we were the year before when we were with each other. We found ourselves, but unfortunately we found ourselves away from each other. Now it's hard to see him as the same person I spent a big part of my life with. Losing him was one of the hardest things I'll ever have to deal with *hopefully, but losing him also taught me how to love myself. This is one thing I never knew how to do. This also taught me that "soulmates" don't have to be a necessity. I learned how to move forward and be happy doing it. To all of my friends who ask me for advice about their ex, or getting the person they want, or even just what they should do in a situation with their partner, this one is for you all...: Relationships are not a necessity. Love can happen, it probably will happen, but let it happen on it's own. If you want something/someone, sure, go for it! But if you get shut down, cool, at least you tried. If you get broken up with, move forward, they obviously left you for a reason for themselves, don't give them the benefit to come in and out of your life whenever they choose... they are going to move on and you're going to kick yourself for it, but it's truly nothing you can do about it, if you want it- go for it- try to get them back- but don't you dare let them control you whenever they feel the need. Don't continue to try to prove to them, they aren't listening. They will realize one day, and you won't be there... that's on them. They can't be worth that hurt to continue to drag yourself down just to get their attention. Karma will come if it is needed, let it take it's toll. Never talk badly about an ex, at one point they were your world, and deep down they still might be, but never disrespect them because they weren't the one for you. You don't have to be with someone in order to be happy, be happy with yourself. Trust me, it's possible. Our generation believes that you have to have someone by your side at all times in order to live life to the fullest or find the "one" as soon as you can. You don't. You can't. You shouldn't. You shouldn't have to depend solely on someone else for your life, and honestly, that is what so many people have be accustomed to do. Break this chain! Find something you love to do, be you/be that and focus on nothing but that. I always wonder if I will be able to find that type of love again that I described before, if I even wanted to, if I had such a strong love and it wasn't lasting- then what is in store?... and still debating it, I realized, I am in absolutely no rush to even try to find it. For some reason, people are confused by this. They don't understand what it is like to be alone because they have never done it, they won't do it. But for me, I have so many things I want to do in my life, that I want to see, that I want to accomplish, and yes I could do these things with a man by my side, but until God brings him to me, I can accomplish this by myself. I love being alone. You don't have rules or obligations. You learn so much about yourself, but also what else life offers. You get so hung up in someone that you don't realize what is actually going on inside or outside of the other person. Timing is a key factor... be patient. Be alone. Find happiness.

What is happiness? Happiness is something you throw yourself into, you lose yourself in, you find yourself in. The warm feeling in your heart. It could last for two seconds or 20+ years, it could be something silly like getting a new phone or it could be something major like landing your dream job. It could be the person you find in life, but you also have to know when to give/take that happiness or when to keep it for yourself alone. Ultimately, I feel as if "soulmates" are out there for every one, whether you are lucky enough to meet them, keep them, or even lose them, is the question. Be patient. Find yourself first. Learn about what you need in life and need in a partner... don't settle just because you feel like you have to. Society shouldn't tell you what you have to do in life or with someone. We are young! Live your life! Be alone while you can. I am stubborn enough to drag this out as long as I can, but only because I know my worth and will not settle for anything less than I want, need, or deserve... I am happy with myself and growing in myself because I finally learned how. Once you learn about yourself and how to love yourself, you won't even begin to think of a relationship either. Be confident, be patient, but be trusting. Go out and enjoy, but never lose sense of who you are. I believe in you!

Movement

As I take a break from this cramming of studying this last final, I felt the need to write a post, no, I'm not procrastinating if that's what you're thinking......... You always here people having their own "movement" or following someone else's "movement". You've probably watched Miley Cyrus's Movement documentary explaining her transition into the crazy self she is or have become obsessed with Justin Bieber's Purpose Movement like I am showing his progress and change... but truly, what is a "movement"?

move-ment; noun

1. An act of changing positions or location. 

2. group of people working together to advance their political, social, or artistic ideas.

Okay, so maybe the first definition isn't relevant, but the second is what we are going to look further into. "A group of people working together to advance their political, social, or artistic ideas", though it doesn't have to be a group, you can do this on your own. I have started my own, by myself, and my life has completely turned around. I don't expect you to follow my movement, but I encourage you to start your own either by yourself or with a few people and watch the transition of your life.

Let me introduce you to my "movement", this is honestly something I feel very deeply about: I started this at the beginning of the summer, not only because I had just gotten out of a relationship, but this happening opened my eyes to show me that I truly wasn't living the right way for myself and I was distant from my true "self" because I let everyone else make "me" instead... as I've said before, I was the type of person who let anyone and everyone walk all over me yet apologized for something they did to me. I focused solely on my partner and revolved my decisions around theirs- following what their dreams were while putting mine on the back burner or ignoring mine completely. I filtered anything I said or held back what I wanted/needed to say just to save face or prevent someone being mad at me, I couldn't handle the thought of something thinking badly of me or being mad at me. This is ultimately when the movement began. I was not going to be this anymore. But changing those few things started something more. I decided my life was going to take a 180 and I wasn't going to look back.

People say you can't just wake up one day and be a different person, but somehow, I did, and I was different. I told myself to straighten up. My heart wasn't going to heal if I continued to let it hurt me. I was going to get it all out and move forward. Face it then leave it. That was the first step. I quickly learned that people are going to leave and there is nothing you can do about it, they will have their reasons, let them leave. This lead to more people leaving, more of me closing the door on some, I wasn't going to beg for people to stay in my life... if they wanted to leave, that wasn't my fault, if they only needed me for their own benefits, I wasn't going to be in a one-way friendship. I have ultimately lost a few friends, but I also gained some as well. And that's been great! This continues so often now too, and it truly doesn't bother me. Understand that you will lose people, and it's not selfish to shut the door on them yourself, focus on you, and the right people will come along. Your life changes so drastically day by day that you don't realize, then you look back at the next year and realize how far you have come and how different things have gotten. It's natural. Be okay with it, learn from it. SHUT THE DOOR! I then decided I wasn't going to filter myself. Honestly, why hold back? It could either go super great, or super bad... but what is stopping me from this risk? Having someone mad at me for a week/losing a friend? Well, we already decided that hasn't bothered me... so might as well. Life is short, and if I never understood that before, I do now, this is the time to say the things needed to be said. Having this filter-free attitude and mouth, I became so much more free. Not only in the sense that I could do what I want, but that I could be myself because I truly didn't have to hold back or bottle things up.  Not only did I come filter-free with my words but with my actions as well. Go for the things you want to do, be with the person you might want to be with, try the things you always wanted to try. Again, what is stopping you from the risk? It won't work, you won't click with the person, or you will "fail"? Cool. But at least you tried. This goes back to my "what if" post... might as well try these things now instead of looking back asking "what if" it would have worked. GO FOR IT!

I started to become care-free with how people treated me or how I treated them, in a way. I lost emotion. This actually hasn't gotten my in trouble, yet, but there is a higher risk. Sure, I can be extremely emotional at times, but compared to where I used to be, this act is beyond rare. Everyone is battling something, yet for some reason society has taught everyone to focus solely on other's flaws instead of their successes or more importantly, THEMSELVES. I am a firm believer on, "how someone treats you is how they view you and view themselves". I also believe in "be treated how you treat others". Of course, my binge watching Gossip Girl gives me the Queen B attitude, but it's the best attitude to have: no one is above you, so don't be treated like you are any worse than anyone else. If you view yourself as a Queen or that you respect and love yourself, sure you might get hate for being confident, but that's what you are: CONFIDENT. You're not bringing others down or letting them bring you down. Focus on you! Who care's what other people think of you, the true people in your life will be supportive no matter how you reveal your true self, the ones who don't aren't supposed to be their anyways. This is the best feature I found. Just last week someone came to me saying that  "people were asking them about me because I was the talk of the town at how I've changed", and honestly, this is the first time something like this has lit me up... why does it matter and why were so many people "talking about me", but then I realized, this is going to happen for the rest of your life, people must not have any other lives than to gossip behind your back instead of coming to you to talk to you about it. Again, focus on yourself because people are going to be ridiculous either way. If you only care for yourself and a few others, you won't be brought down. BE THE TRUE YOU!Along with the care-free and confidence, I learned that having harsh emotions aren't the way to go. If something does bother you, cool, let it bother you for 2 minutes then move on. There isn't time to be in a bad mood. But if it does, own that bad mood then make it the best mood. This has always been something I have struggled with. Anything and everything got to me. By this, I would get the strongest attitude. And still do. But I've learned you either go full force with your emotions, or you conquer it. If I feel myself getting in a bad mood and decide to stop it, I literally take myself away from everyone, go somewhere else and occupy myself in another activity. I will take my makeup off and start over. I will curl my hair in the middle of the night. I will read a devotional or watch a sermon. I will turn all the lights off and turn my headphones up full volume. I'll even just sit outside and just listen. Now, writing is another option. Once I calm down, I'm completely fine. Over the summer when I was learning what would help me, I got in arguments with my parents about it because they didn't understand. All they saw was the leading up to the calm... the storm before the calm. They saw me just get up and leave or be short with my talking or attitude, but when they called me out for it, it completely broke me. I thought I had done so well for myself and was making so much progress, but no one else saw this progress but me. That hurt. Then it clicked. I was making progress for me... no one else. If others don't understand what I do or how it helps me, that's fine, everyone is different and most people just want you to do the things they want you to do... but that's not how it works. Now, I've learned that sometimes there will be so much piling on top that relaxing may not help, so might as well wear that attitude like your favorite outfit and go for it. Like I said, who cares, be yourself. Everyone has their days, no judgement needed... smile and give them space. OWN IT!

Lastly, I became passionate. I didn't hide what I wanted. I figured out what I wanted and I'm going for it. Again, people are going to judge me for it, but that's not an issue... if they have problems, their only issue is themselves. I found what I love and how to get to where I want to be. I'm not going to stop until I get there. Set a goal and objective and actually do it. Would you rather sit and think "ah that's too much" or would you rather get there and say "ah that wasn't hard" and actually do what you love instead of doing something just because it's available. If that is how everyone lived, nobody on the planet would be happy. That's all that matters in life. BE HAPPY!These are just a few of my movement steps, but these are the most important. I do feel strongly about this, but the other topics inside my progress may not be the right things to share just yet. All I know is making this change completely flipped my life around and I couldn't be happier with it. To know that I'm still progressing is such an exciting thing for me, as well, and these keep me going and learning about myself. Now I challenge you to learn about yourself, what makes you... you, and what things help you to succeed in life. Make the change over this holiday break and stick with it and add to it.

A Thankful Thanksgiving

It's that time of the year! A time to stuff your face with all the home-cooked meals and not feel bad about it, the time of the year where you are obligated to cheat on your diet if you're on one, the time of the year to see the family you haven't seen since the last major holiday, the time of the year where you plan to attack any other shoppers without any guilt, but have we forgotten the real meaning of Thanksgiving, I mean, it's right there: THANKSgiving. For some reason, we have set a specific date of November 26th to be "thankful" for things in our lives, but shouldn't we be thankful for those things year round!? We also seem to forget some of the things we should be thankful for, we take so many things for granted, that when you truly sit down to think about everything in your life, you fully understand how grateful we actually are. Obviously, my family. They are always there for me, but not because they have to (I mean they lowkey do have to) but because we are just so close. Literally. Maybe too close at times. But that's how it'll always be. They are all my best friends. And for that alone, I am thankful. Parents do things you never fully realize, you just kind of expect. Paying for things. Cooking for you. Laundry when you're home. Taking care of you when you're sick: a few weeks ago, I got terribly sick, my dad heard me from downstairs and hurried upstairs to check on me, but knowing I felt so awful, he layed in bed with me. I got sick again about 45 minutes later, the same thing happened but my mom heard me this time too, both of them came in my room to snuggle and brought me medicine and a cold pack until I was asleep again. I am almost 21 years old and they still cut my food when I ask (and I ask every time, of course). The last time I was home was Halloween (almost a month), and I thought they were going to croak over when I walked in the door... moments like this are ones that really bring you home. My sister and I have always been close as well, she is a little over 4 years older than me, but she has always been like a second mother to me. When we were younger, I decided I wanted to share a room with her instead... so bringing all of my things in at once, I barged in saying, "I'm moving in!", and without hesitation, she continued on her AIM chats and popped the trundle bed up for me and attached it to hers, basically making it one giant bed. I stayed in there for months! She moved into an apartment halfway through her college years, leaving me basically an only child, but when she was away, we kind of lost touch in my eyes, when she moved back things got better, then she got married, and now I feel as if we are closer than we have been. Slumber parties with her are the way to life.Again, obviously I am thankful for my friends. I have always struggled with friends... not that I had trouble making friends, I had trouble having friends. I was always the type to let anyone and everyone step on me, I would apologize to them for something they did to me just so nobody would be mad at each other and I could keep those friends. But, like I have said before, they weren't actual friends, they wouldn't have done half of the things I did for them. Now I have found those true friends, a whole new set of friends and a few old friends, that truly fit the definition of a real friend. These types of friends see you at every stage in your life and every emotional state in your life, and for some reason continue to stick around. Not only do these people see the front you put on for everyone else, but they see the complete opposite side that you never open up. Not just anyone you can share that type of emotion with, and for that, I am truly happy that I can finally do with these select people. Growing up we thought the more friends we had, the better we were... no no, not even close. Yes, surround yourself with great people, no matter how many that consists of, but having those "right by your side" friendships, that's something that is irreplaceable. Whether they be 2 minutes away from you, 65 miles from you, or 10 states away from you. Whether you talk every day, every few weeks, or every few months. If you can continue these friendships with ease, that's when you have found the match.My soulmate. Whether that be the man of my dreams that I have yet to meet, or the person/people in my life that are just apart of me that I truly would not be myself without. (Not that I'm going to get into the whole "love" conversation, yet... you'll learn I'm not the best lover of "love") I am thankful for those heartbreaks I have had. The little f-boys that didn't do a thing for me, yet still taught me little things, or the two very special guys in my life that truly broke me yet made me into the person I am today. I would never in a million years have any harsh feelings towards any of these guys, but they all have impacted me in some way, taught me things about myself or "relationships", and will always be connected to me. I am thankful that if I have a soulmate out there, that he is prepared for me (maturity wise, but also because I can be a piece of work...), that he is happy, that he is growing and learning about himself, that he is going for his dreams, and will collide with my path on the way there for me to support the rest of the way while he supports me the same. If he is not out there for me, I am thankful that he isn't. I never want to be one to settle just because it's expected (again, we will continue this conversation in a different post), I am more than happy on my own, I know myself and am growing, I know how to support myself, I am me. And being me, truly me, is what I have found to be one of the most special things to me that I am grateful for.Morehead State University and my many jobs. I am so thankful to be able to go to a university that I love, and have always wanted to attend. That is my home. Nothing makes me feel more comfortable than the little town and campus of Morehead. It just clicks. I am obsessed with my major and my professors make it that much better, and of course the crazy group of students in my major that share every class with me, they all give me life. We are a mini family, I suppose. But to be able to attend college in general is something I am extremely grateful for, not having a student debt or worrying about not graduating on time or graduating at all, I am beyond blessed. I am also thankful for my jobs. I have always been a work freak, I love to work. I have had some of the best jobs with the best coworkers. I have experienced so many things through each job and learned things from each one that do and don't have to anything to do with the job description whatsoever. I am also thankful for my passions... though this isn't in the realm of school or work, I pray one day that it will be connected in some way. It is a blessing in disguise to me. Being able to indulge myself into these passions and clear my head from anything and everything, or to just have that time to myself doing something that makes me... me. One day, if and when I can turn these passions into work, that day will truly be a grateful day. I cannot wait!Things that we take for granted that we should alllll be thankful for, are the things that we don't even notice. Breathing. Walking. Talking. Hearing. Seeing (even with glasses like myself). Smelling. Tasting. Touching. Writing. Reading. Honestly, I am thankful right now that I have strep/bronchitis... that means I am alive... that means that my body is working how it should and that it's now fighting off illness. I am thankful I am able to wake up each morning (or afternoon when I sleep in) and be able to do these things without a second thought. So many people out there have difficulties doing these things, but even then, they are doing it in some way, that is a blessing.Last, but not least, and honestly, the most important. Best for last, I should say. God. I am so thankful that I was raised in a home where God was present. Where lessons were taught. Where God was the center. I had always been taught that God was my savior, do right by Him with your relationship with Him and you will enter into Heaven, what we were all taught, right? But it wasn't until I was 17 when I truly felt God near. When I heard Him speak the first time. I am a very distracted child of God, which isn't great, but honestly, most of us are. We have to learn and understand slowing down to listen to Him and learn. We get distracted by outside things... we fall more towards society than standing out. We don't listen to God when He speaks, then get mad when we need Him and He is silent. I have seen what it's like to live and walk with God, and I have also seen what being set off the path can do, as well. Yes, it is hard to stay on track all the time. But making a little change day by day and continuing to grow in your relationship with Him will make a complete difference in your life. That is what I am thankful for. That He can see how distracted I can get, forgive me for that, and continue to guide me and bless me with the things I have.